The sweetest pain, the sourest joy.

Do you know what it's like to fall in love?

Do you know how it feels taking that punch in the stomach, the agony that grabs a hold of your chest robbing you of breath.

You gasp for air, anxiety boiling in your entrails.You get lost in their stare, your hearth racing as the gaze becomes everlasting, stopping time around you.

Do you know the pain of that mental image, burned in the flesh of your brain? The stabbing feeling of their smile ripping your very essence to shreds...

Do you?

Do you know...

When your hands start shaking and your sweat starts running, gushing like blood from an open wound.

While their lips draw ever closer...

You become helpless... Powerless... Trapped in your imagination...

The addiction of that very first moment, the one that hit you, the memory that taunts you, mocks you. never returning, haunting away in the corner of your mind.

Do you know what it's like to really fall in love?

To dream of a future that's fleeting, treacherous , ethereal...

The experience of their aroma raping and violating your essence.

Its like a bottomless pit in your heart overflowing with the most poisonous nectar.

Do you know what it's like to really fall for someone?

When your mind drifts into madness... The straight jacket binds your very soul...

I do...

I know what it's like to fall in love...

I have known since the first day I saw you, when i cursed myself, as your soul defile my own.

Wrapping itself around me. Without ever letting go.

How quickly I forget, how long will I rise.

It’s astonishing how things tend to fade away with time, how what we though was the most important thing in our life now seems meaningless. Ties break, values change, smiles waver and memories wash away as messages in the sand.

There was a time when Mondays were my favourite day, struggling a part time job with my studies in order to not starve away my hopes and dreams, going weeks on end with no days off, Mondays were my relief, it was the day that I woke up with the most energy, happier, when I really looked forward to get out of bed.

I still remember my first weekend of freedom after that time, one hell of a drunken night, I still remember my then girlfriend dragging me to her bed and going to the kitchen to make me a cup of tea. I remember waking up to the tea sitting untouched next to the nightstand.

I also remember juggling a lie that was snowballing way over my control, agonizing each day about being discovered, holding the tears inside while that lie was wreaking havoc among my friends, family and love life. I remember crying myself to sleep when I finally decided to let go of the lie, crying in a girls lap while she petted my head after realizing she had been betrayed and destroyed when she put what little trust she had left to give.

I remember a time when I had to travel 6 hours a day to get from my house to my job and back, thinking, while I stared at the road in the sidewalk, how my brain had shutdown, how my body and mind felt like they were going on autopilot. I was watching my life play out like I was sitting in a couch watching me in the television screen, unable to move, unable to feel, unable to speak.

I remember being stuck, not against my will but stuck do to circumstance, in a foreign land, away from family, friends, in a culture that I couldn’t relate in a country scared by war, famine, terror and despair.

During all those times I held dear so many different things. Claiming at each time that what I was missing was what I needed to be happy.

Freedom…

Truth…

Time…

Money…

And now…

Now I sit here, still not satisfied, still not happy.

It’s like an hunger to get more and more, while my body is breaking down and my mind is no longer willing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy, I have so many good memories, so many good friends, so many good things in my life that I it should be enough to be satisfied.

But it never is…

My thirst is like a curse, always wanting more, always putting myself in situations that force me to evolve and overcome. Always gathering the wood and the tinder. Always lighting it, staring at the flames while the wood crackles with the fire. Always stepping into the agony of burning flesh, always feeling the hell fire on my skin and falling apart to ashes. Always rising from them in a new form, reborn so to say, drunk by the fleeting high of conquest.

But now my thoughts permeate my confidence, I hear the voice, I see the cracks beneath my skin.

Until when will I rise, until when will this gamble give me what I want, when will I be stepping into that fire for the last time, unable to rise. When will I be just a pile of ashes being blown away by the wind like a memory on a mind, slowly drifting away into that open sea…

Dark thoughts

There are a few words that only come out in the sweet embrace of the night.

When the hour is far gone, the silence settles in and the despair tempts the root of the soul.

I find myself during these dark hours immersed in desperate thoughts, cursing at that cruel mistress that goes by the name of fate.

It amazes me how many times I feel lost, endlessly searching for an intangible object.

Somehow writing always seems to calm the urge, dilutes the rage and sadness, open my heart and lets it heal, even if just for a few minutes, before falling again into that endless pit.

It’s hard to be alone and far away, far from all that’s familiar from all that feels safe.

What’s the meaning, what’s the purpose?

Why do we tick forever forward until our energy runs out and we fall on the floor?

Where am I going, why do I crave, why does this thirst never fade?

So many unanswered questions…

So many thoughts roaming around…

Simple

Simple...

Like you simply did, simply crossing my path,
simply stopping me in my tracks.

I love you, I simply do.

I love you because I do, it's simple, simply because it's you.

Simple is what you are, simple is what I  am.

Simply yours, simply mine.

Simple is what I need, simple is what I crave.

Simple lines in a simple mind.

Simply staring into those simple blue eyes.

Simple shall the future be,
simply here,
simply there,
simple lives in the palm of our hands.

One so simple yet so far
simply closer to my heart.

Admire

There is a man I admire.

For over fifty years he as been roaming this earth, living a simple life, threading on a simple path. A path filled with complications, aggravations and trials. Simply a complicated road in a indeed complexly simple journey.

 The education he has is what life gave him, but that doesn't diminish the immensity of his mind. Cunning, sharp and straight forward, with a vision  shaped by the despair of the past. A mind shaped by the harsh embrace of reality, born between a rock and a hard place he bettered himself, always moving forward, molding his life with the grace of a composer gently drawing the notes of a symphony.
A man who knows is limitations, who clearly draws them in the road he travels, simply to break them with the next step.

 Like the man before him his will is astonishing, unbreakable, unstoppable, unmovable. A bolder in in a empty and desert land, that refuses to erode like the rest of the surroundings.

His personality fills the room, attracts people like a gravity field, you swirl around him unable to escape the pull.
A gentle and kind soul that never stops laughing, even when his smile is frowning.

If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here, ready to take charge, to let my will flourish. And like he did before me, so to I will walk and shape my own path, not following his footsteps, simply seeking what he sought.

I already started...

To risk it all.

This my first post in 2015 about my life...

A lot has changed in the last 12 months, my new year's resolution from 2013 year took longer than expected, only coming true in 2015.

Since I was a young boy I have dreamed and hoped for this. I clawed my way here, I shredded my existence over and over again to be here, to be allowed, to be free, to truly show my potential.
I cried, I suffered, I learned. I leaped into the unknown, I evolved, I opened my mind.

I can't recall when it was, I can't recall if someone said it to me or if I read it somewhere, but the phrase "If you love what to do you won't have to work a single day in your life" echoes in my mind.

It has been a long journey, full of struggles and barriers, but I enjoyed every last bit of it. I still do, because even though I reached what I had dreamed of I'm not stopping, the adventure continues.

I look back at the people that inspired me,that molded me into being. From the amazing father figure to my closest friends, all of them had a role in my story, all of them were part of it and will continue to be. You showed me how to think, how to act, how to be the person I dreamt of being for so long.

I look back and all I can say is thank you, thank you for being there, for believing in me, for trusting me, for teaching me, for making it possible for me to get here.

I'm finally where I wanted to be, in a place where I can constantly explore, where I can constantly learn, where my actions speak louder than my wallet, my diploma or my status.

I'm in a place where I can meet amazing people, from different backgrounds, with different ideas, with different beliefs but that share a open minded approach to the world.

I'm in a place where I can explore my mind without being classed has a pretentious bastard, a know it all, someone that tries to outshine everyone else.

I'm not in it for the glory, for the fame or for the money, I'm in it to win. To win against myself, to break my limits, to evolve and perhaps to give meaning to a meaningful world.

I had to evolve to get here, I've cut the chains of the past without forgetting my mistakes, I let go of my fears without becoming fearless, I have risked it all when I had everything to lose.

But instead of losing it all, I gained it.

The chance to challenge myself and the ability to take on that challenge without weights on my back.

They took the chains of my wings to see how far I can fly, I'll show them exactly that my limit is only where I let it to be.

Similarly different.

We're different you and I.

We will always be different. Although you may think we share the same experiences, the same thoughts the same way of life, We're different.

My life is my own, my ideas are my own, my principles are my own.
I'm not normal nor am I abnormal. I'm special just like everyone else. The way you look at life, what works for you, the way you think is different and unique, just as everybody else.

I don't need your guide, I don't need your views, I don't need your advice let alone your orders.
No rule is set in stone, nothing is mandatory there is no universal way of life.

I see different beliefs, different people everyday, I've seen more diversity in the world than the majority of the population will ever see. I watch, I ponder, I wonder. I do not impose, I do not criticize, I do not look down from my proverbial horse.

You're not better than me, I'm not better than you.

People spend to much time trying to control what wasn't supposed to be controlled. They are too afraid to follow themselves, they are so afraid to be themselves that they try to shape others to best suit their liking.

This doesn't work, this will never work.

We are individually unique, a non repeating sequence of mentality's that may share some likeness but will never diverge.

I don't like control, It's unnatural. I believe in a chaotic amalgam following a pattern that far exceeds human comprehension. A cluster of specs, seemingly alike but fundamentally unique.

So pay attention, understand your surrounding, share your knowledge do not impose it, advise when asked, respect when applicable.
Adapt, evolve, realize.


“Don't follow in the footsteps of the ancient masters; seek what they sought.” (Matsuo Basho)

Live your life your own way, do what makes you happy, what makes you tick. Know what you love, know what you hate. Understand that we are all different, and that in the end, that's what makes us normal.