Things I already said, but still no one knows..

There are some things that I can't say, others that I can’t hide.
There are some things that I need to say, but in the end...  I can only hide them.

It’s funny how it's so easy to hide something, all that's needed  is to place it in plain sight. no one will ever look for it if it’s not hidden
Only things left covered, left alone, untouched and wrapped in a veil of shame,. hiding in a dark and shady place, where secrets usually are... end up being discovered.

I had something to say so I said it, but most likely you will never hear it, read it, or understand it.
Why? Because it’s not hidden, it’s out there, right in front of your eyes, without a need to sit, abandoned in the darkness..
Lately I had a lot to say, Thoughts and words running wild in my brain, waiting to become the digital ink on my virtual canvas.

I still feel imprisoned.  Saving all that should be said, saying all that should be saved. I feel trapped and shackled by my thoughts, eternally waiting for the right moment, the right time, the right chance.
That fleeting day that never comes.

 I have so much to tell, so much to share but no one here to listen, so I write, and hope. Hope that the message will reach its place, but it rarely does, and I am left alone with my abandoned words.

Words, when written, are my healing for the soul, I cleanse myself of all those feelings. The feelings that stay bottled up inside. I vomit on a piece of paper, blurring the lines where my soul was spilled.
I share my thoughts with everyone, and at the same time, no one...

I share my heart with whoever decides, by luck or fate, to read my message. But in the end having no control on who reads it or when, it is indeed read.

And like that, my open messages leave room for interpretation, you might think this message is for you.You might almost be certain, but in the end, the rightful owner will be left unknown. You can only assume, guess, hope... and this uncertainty, this flicker of fate, amuses me.

The uncertainty of letters formed into words. Formed into sentences. Formed into  messages.

Messages that only I know to whom they were intended, and, as time goes by, constant on it's path, I might forget why the message was written, and then it truly becomes uncertain, forever frozen on a state of where it has been delivered and still lingering in limbo.

And that amuses me. And so I write,  so I let go. I send my message out there, and let it go following its chaotic path,

It really feels a bit like staring at the stars, no matter how much you look, how much you try, you can never tell what really is on the other side.

Left alone with all my thoughts...

My chest is burning
the tears flowing.
The whole in my chest
Grows wider without rest

Confusion spills onto the floor
leaves me hungering for more
sadness rises up above
I am missing the ones I love..

deeper it goes the wound
buried deep into your womb
silenced the scream i wait to take
to soften this dying ache

My mouth is open but there is no sound
my body falling to the ground.
will and hope gets dimmer in my wake
riddling me my cruel fate.

Am I whole or am I hollow?
Where is that hope i borrow?
I'm silently crying, can't you see?
all i wanted was for you to be...

The letters fall right from my mouth
laying silent while I shout.
I cry and scream with no avail
I am lost and oh so frail.

In the darkness my soul is shaking,
in the the light my smile is breaking,
while i whisper to the night
set me free, release the fight.

Misery sets itself into my stones
I can feel it in my bones.
My fingers type while I am numb
never dreamt I was the one

Fighting solitude with hope and dreams,
its more fleeting than it seems.
It screams, it shouts, into despair
why is there no one there?

What if, it was.

When ever I decide to visit these lands bathed by the Atlantic it always becomes a nostalgic trip.

I visit places from my past, I meet people from my past, I breathe the air from my past.

True most of the people are still very much a part of the present, true a lot of them will be part of my future but still, I linger, still stepping outside my Mom's house on those clear nights and finding myself, just like I did countless times before, staring at that starry sky.

Now a days I feel more and more like a ghost, a spectre, a breeze that gently passes through, passing through their lives like sun rays through windows.

Yes here and there I leave a little touch, a gentle tap on the shoulder that makes them turn around looking for something that isn't really there.
It feels me with joy and sadness this sensation. The joy of still being here and the sadness of not really belonging any more.

The last hours are always the hardest and the easiest, the pain of saying farewell again, and the relieve of leaving a place that is no longer my own.

Change is scary, change leaves us shaking in the dark, afraid of letting go of the past, terrified of the unknown.
For some, even though they are scared, the temptation of reaching out to the unlighted and the foreign is too much to bear, soon it drives away the fear and makes them jump forward.

The what if's of life are too many to avoid them all, but, some of them are really never meant to stay that way, they become the memories and challenges, they become part of us, shape-shifting from if to was, from regret to accomplishment.


I love my past, the what ifs I turned into it was, the good the bad, all of it. It turned me into this, into me, and this is only part of the road, part of the journey.

My life is full of people, amazing people, and I'm glad I don't belong here any more, I rather be a reason than a constant, I rather be the push, the breeze, that gentle touch.

I rather be a memory that never fades than a pillar eroding with time.

And while here I'm passing through, there my roots are spreading, seeping more and more on that land, gripping it tight without letting go.

My journey isn't finished, my road still has miles ahead, but there is nothing wrong with stopping, for a little while, and enjoy a drink from that fountain.

The sound-waves of emotion

Music, the undeniable food for the soul, the indescribable emotion. Music brings us closer, makes us forget, makes us smile, and sing and dance. It makes us loose ourselves in the sound-waves that dig deep into our being, energizing us, making us feel truly alive.

For that fleeting moment that lasts just as long as the song, you forget about the world, immerse yourself in the sensations and experience the orgasmic seduction of the sound.

This becomes even more a reality when you're seeing it being made in front of your eyes, when the band is composing in front of you, making you dance, making you laugh, making you jump around and to let go of all the sorrows, the grieves, the sadness.

I love seeing bands playing live, and in this sense for me, the smaller the audience the better the show.
Last night It was XPTO night in a hidden bar somewhere, lost between the streets and alley ways of Lisbon, gathering just a few music lovers to see people filling the room with sound.

I had been there before and loved it, and last night was no exception, the vibe, the energy, the way they commanded the crowd made me forget all of my pains and just laugh.

They are well worth seeing, and if by chance you are lost in one of the most beautiful cities in the world I urge you to find them, you will be engulfed by the sounds.

By the sound-waves of emotion...

XPTO - Facebook

To the aching heart

My heart is aching
Slowly breaking
My mind is crying
slowly dying

As the hours pass
Ticking away so fast
My mind quickly crumbles
My mouth barely mumbles.

As the sadness sips deep
into my broken shell
It wades away too quick
ripping away that spell

Even though my heart endures
It slowly breaks
Even though my mind resists
It slowly aches

Memories of a time gone by
are keeping my heart alive
dreams I have yet to dream
turn more real it seems

In a world of sorrow
filled with lust
The hope I borrow
turns itself to dust

And even though my heart is open
It slowly breaks
And even though my mind is sound
it slowly aches

I find myself lost in words
as the clock gently turns
the tears streaming through my face
quickly accepting their fate

It falls to madness
My pitiful sadness
It turns hell
this darkened cell.

My heart is aching
Slowly breaking
My mind is fading
slowly raging

It aches
it burns
it slowly turns

It breaks
it cries
it slowly dies...

A letter to Corey Taylor / Friends I never met.

Hey man.

I know you are a busy man, but I feel like I had to tell you this eventually.

I'm am not a maggot, I never was.

I couldn't get it, your words and all that sound were screaming out of my speakers and yet I failed to grasp it.
I couldn't relate with the movement, I couldn't relate with every one around me full of hate and sorrow when their lives seemed so perfect from my perspective. I was young, and stupid. I'm older now, and wiser.

You have been a a part of my life for at least 15 years, you came and went every so often. I saw you in 2004 telling a crowd to kneel down. I liked your music but I still couldn't grasp it.
I saw you again in 2007, just briefly, I wasn't there for you that time, I went to see James. So I saw you from afar ripping your lungs out screaming at the crowd to get inside.

I still liked your music, I have fond memories of  my radio playing Sulfur, and Before I Forget while I was stuck in traffic coming from home.

A few years later Paul died, I was sad, even though I never met you guys, even though I had bands I liked more, I still consider you all important to me. to the world.

Music has been an addiction of mine for as long as I can remember. I can't play it but I love it, I can't live without it. I consider every musician that as ever send chills down my spine or make the airs on the back of my neck stand with their music as friends, friends I never met.

Through out the years I lost a few friends I never met, Paul, The Rev, Kurt, Dave Williams...

I lost so many friends.

Last year, in march 2014 I lost my best friend I never met, his name was Joao Ribas, he was the lead singer for a punk Portuguese band that I have loved for so many years.
His lyrics and sounds got me out of depression, his voice shouting from my radio made me feel more alive and confident then ever before. I was growing up, turning from kid to man, and his songs were shaping me into what I wanted to be.

I was devastated when I found out, it's silly even now while writing this my eyes still get all teary, but when all seemed wrong in my life I had him giving me strength through his music and now it was gone. all I had left was the past, I couldn't look forward for what else he had to say any more.

Soon after I had to go to a place very strange for me, I felt so out of place, so ripped off from reality, so trapped... and all I had to keep me sane was music.

For a long time I couldn't hear his music, the only song that I couldn't remove from my playlist was the last one he did before leaving.

But after a while another voice rose between the chaos of my playlist, this voice was now giving me courage,  keeping me alive and sane. It started growing on me, from one song it became a whole album, from an album an entire compilation. And some time after I was roaming around the streets of Paris with you shouting in my ears. The emotions and feeling of empowerment while you asked me to Do You a Favor, when you said to give the lunatic a chance, I remember your cover of wicked game giving me chills while I sat outside in a coffee shop dreaming of girl.

Not long after a close friend told me you wrote a book, well actually more than one by that time, but he told me to start with the seven deadly sins. I just finished it and its amazing how much we have in common. Wrestling, comics, Carlin and many others.

I was surprised, I loved those things my entire life and you never came across like the kinda of guy liking that stuff.

I read all the chapters and you made some pretty good points, I still wonder though who the hell was that rock star?

But my point is, after all this rambling, I had lost my best friend I never met, and I never got to say thank you for all the good times. And you stepped up unknowingly. You became the one giving me something to look forward to. And I wanted to say thank you.

Thank you man, for being who you are.

Thank you for being Corey fucking Taylor.