The couch.

Is it an illusion? Are you really there? Are my eyes mocking my tormented soul?

From the sound of that silence, broken only by simple words, I shared a unique moment. Where were you? What were you doing?

It still seems ethereal, like a dream that you try to remember in the morning. A glimpse of someone so extraordinary my mind can’t cope with reality.

In the midst of laughs, sorrows, insecurities, traumas, anxiety. The heart was racing, the mind soaring between the imaginary. The fear of rejection slowly clashing swords with the courage of a kiss.

Sitting on that couch time flew by and stood still. The cold from that open window filled the room, the sounds of the street gently breaking the silence every now and again.

The skyline of the city settled the stage for the lines of the play.

“I want to fall in love…”

 The start of a sentence that left the rest to the imagination.

Sitting in the dark I screamed without making a sound, trying to break free from the chains I once threw at myself.  I locked myself away, too afraid to let myself out and now I’m struggling to break them.

I left without leaving, my body moved but my mind lingered. It’s still there, waiting for the hours to pass, for the days to merge and fade into the past.

You left me without words, wanting to rip the language apart in my search for what I want to say.

You are beautiful, a wonder left uncovered. Lucky me for crossing your path while I walked my own. And here is hoping that they continue in the same direction.

New things are coming

When I was 6 years old I wanted to be a doctor, mostly because that was what people told me my godmother was.  At 10 I wanted to be a superhero, because that would be really cool. With 13 I wanted to be rich, that was really rich. On my 15^th birthday I wanted someone to tell me what I should be and at 18 I just wanted to be.

If my younger self could look at me now, he would probably be really surprised and proud. Back then I thought I would never get a chance to travel the world, to leave my mother’s side, to savor all the good things this world has to offer. When my grandfather died, just a few weeks after my 18^th birthday, I felt the shackle close around my ankle and a ball and chain joining it. I felt incarcerated, chained to that place but at the same time I never gave up dreaming about what was out there.

I focused on my career, sometimes with careful thought, sometimes with some luck on others pushed by necessity. From repairing dirty vacuum cleaners and greasy microwaves, to the operating room at the hospital. The operating room, where two weeks into the job, without a droplet of proper training I was sent to repair a device, while the surgeon calmly opened the patient and angrily shouted at me. I think my legs only stopped shaking the next day.

Not long after that I had my first taste of travelling to other countries. With a decent dose of skill, armed with my not too shabby knowledge of the English language and with a helping hand of a lack of young people in the field, I became the first Technical manager for the Portuguese branch of a growing international company. Due to my new job I was sent to Prague, my first taste of foreign lands, and just like that I was hooked.

Immediately after returning from my first business trip, I felt an itch, an itch I could only scratch by going away again. So I gathered two of my close friends and we planned our first trip together. The year after a second one. But sadly I was living way above my financial possibilities, and so like many others like me, I found myself engulfed in debt, while at the same time still trying to live a life I hadn’t earned yet.

Until my 27^th birthday, I loved and laughed, I experienced the good my own country had to offer. I had my heart broken several times, I broke a few hearts along the way as well. I hurt people I loved and loved people I hated. I was proud and cocky at times but also humble and ashamed at others. It was only in 2012 that all my living caught up to me, and reality sucker punched me in the kidneys. When I saw my travelling buddies go on their first trip without me, when I walked home once and saw my mom staring at a blank T.V. because I spent the money for the bill trying to play house somewhere, when I stared right into the disappointed eyes of my uncle, that was when my soul got crushed under the burden of its actions, and besides the shackle I felt the weight of my world placed firmly on my shoulders.

I look back now and think, just how lost and trapped I felt back then, and the only thing I want to do now is put my hand on my former self shoulder and tell him it’s going to be o.k. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will be o.k.

I remember feeling that everything was trying to hold me in place, they locked the cage and left me there to be like them, tied down, conformed with my surroundings. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I escaped…

I left my country behind and moved somewhere else, where the grass was greener, and shit didn’t smell bad. However, I soon found out that I wasn’t done learning an important life lesson, I didn’t deserve that life yet, karma still wanted one last dance before it would let me roam free.

And so, in the years that followed I jumped from place to place, subjecting myself to places and jobs few people would do.

It was still an absorbing journey and I gathered every bit of experience I could find. I marveled with the interesting people I met, and suffered with the loneliness of not belonging anywhere.

It’s not over yet, but I can finally see a light at the end of this tunnel and a sweet summer breeze to let me know the road ahead is a bit more pleasant.

So, my past friend, young Joao, I just wanted to tell you that it’s now the 30^th of August of 2016, and while I type this away, outside the window are the streets of Palermo, the house is filled with friends I met along the way, friends from across the world that gathered in one place.  And we are just a few days away to see two of them get married here.

So if you can hear me back there, I know it’s hard, but trust me, it’s worth it.

Good luck.

End of a chapter.

In the narrative of life, there comes a time where one must close a chapter. The events that unfolded belong to the past, to a slice of life that only makes sense when looked at together as a whole.

So this is me, closing this chapter.

I started this space with a different goal in mind, at the time I though I had it all figured out, that life had no more secrets to me, that all I needed to do from that point on was teach what I had learned.
Looking back now it makes me laugh how naive I still was.

Five years of memories led me to this post, to this exact moment when I realised what this place has become. It is so full of ghosts, of emotion and sorrow, laughs and tears. so full of memories that it turned into a haunted house, one that I will forever treasure, but it is because of those moments locked in time that I must end it.

December of 2013, a women made a prediction, she told me I would never return to the place I love, it would be a place that I would visit from time to time but my life was elsewhere, my happiness was elsewhere.
From the moment she spoke my mind went in to conflict, in to chaos. I don't believe in fate, or destiny, I don't believe in fixed results, but for the last 3 years I was divided. Divided between my desire to return and my efforts to find again elsewhere the feeling of having a home.

This last 12 months made me realise something, she was wrong, I'm no longer divided, I'm no longer uncertain, I know where I'm going and I know perfectly well what to do when I get there.

This space has fulfilled its purpose, it gave me room to grow, to evolve. It was a space to grieve, to cry for help, to shout all that I wanted to say but couldn't find the time or words.

More than 100 posts, and countless others safely guarded as drafts, secrets I want to share with just a few, or no one at all. It is quite an achievement for me, and I will definitely miss it, but it's  time to move on. Because even though this chapter is closing a new one begins. The final chapter in my life is one I will never get to write, and one that I hope, is still a long way away.


Devaneios do Consciente

September 2011 - October 2016

I want it all.

I want to sit outside the cafe, with a cold beer in my hand, on a warm summer evening. I want to stare the open sky as the sun sets and savour the moment.

I want a conversation between equal curious minds, debating point of views, letting go of the imagination and share dreams and secrets.

I want to feel the warm sand between my toes, fill my lungs with the ocean breeze and stare into the endless horizon. Dive into the refreshing water and feel my mind relax.

I want to travel the world, explore and learn all there is around me. I want to share experiences, experience different cultures, see the beauty in the places of old, imagine how it was century's ago.

I want a dinner table filled with friends, laugh, relax, listen.

I want to be loved once again, feel the soft touch of another human, feel the comfort of a hug, the sweetness of a kiss. I want to lay naked in bed, recovering my breath after a moment of passion.

I want the challenge of living, the sense of accomplishment, I want to fight, scratch and struggle, claw my way to where I want to go.

I want a Sunday afternoon filled with nostalgia, daydreaming about the times gone by and wondering the ones yet to come.

I want to dance, hear the music invading my body, dance like a fool without a care in the world.

I want another cigarette, another bottle of wine, another hangover, another moment of gluttony.
I want to indulge myself in the vices of the world.

I want another good movie, another good book, another story to make me shift, drift and wonder, immerse myself in the plot until it becomes reality.

I want to share the success of others, share their joy, their accomplishments, their dreams, be part of the background of their moment.

I want to be centre of attention, the highlight, the lead actor, the main character, I want to feel the envy and respect of the people around me and then throw it all away.

I want a cosy house on the beach, a flat in the city, a cottage in the woods next to a lake.

I want to build a life with someone, hold their hand when they need, wake up every morning next to her, stare into her eyes, lose myself in her soul.

I want to learn and study, to listen and to be heard.

I want it all.

I'm scared...

I'm scared...

Scared of failing, scared of rejection. Scared of losing something I thought I would never find.
It's just so simple, all I need to do is reach out, stretch my arm, show my hand.
But fear keeps me in place...

What is it with you? And why didn't I see it, why didn't I told you.

My head is spinning, can't stop thinking, it's like a whirlwind of emotions bottled up in the remote corners of my soul. In a vessel  too full to keep it inside..

Why do you make it so simple, why? What have I been running from?

Damn it...

For the first time in my life I feel useless, not good enough, not strong enough. My gut churns at the though of it, all I want is to be better, to do better, to be all that I can be.

I'm not good enough like this, I want more, I won't stop, I won't sit still, I won't quit I can't...

So calm, so peaceful, so alive, drives me insane how easy I feel around you, and how hard I try to understand you, and still, after all this time. I feel like I will need a lifetime to discover what's behind those eyes.

I don't care about the flaws, I don't care about the issues, in my eyes you are perfect now and were perfect before.

I just hope I'm not too late...

I am not

I'm not your teacher,
I'm not your ruler.
I'm not here to show you the way,
or become the most cruller.

I won't be the prophet,
or your shining knight,
I won't be the dark and cold
or the warm embrace of a summer night.

I don't know better,
I don't know it all.
I'm not better or special,
I'm nothing at all.

I won't make a difference,
I won't make a stand,
I'm not here to nurture you,
not even to old your hand.

I'm not fantastic,
I'm not great,
I'm not here to love you
or to be the reason behind your hate.

I'm not here to surprise you,
I'm not here to disappoint,
I won't be the answer,
not here to show you the point.

I don't have the power,
I don't have the will,
I'm not here to show you,
I'm disposed of all skill.

I am not what you think,
I am not what you seek.
I'm not the rope for you to hold,
tightly when you're weak.

I am nothing,
just an empty space.
I'm the room in your heart
for you to keep me in place.

Why I am a moron.

I can't remember the date, how work went, what I was wearing. I can't remember a single thing up until my bus ride home from work that day.
Working in a nearby town from where I lived at the time, I took a bus route that few people used, so a lot of times during the majority of the trip I was the only passenger.

I know it was around late November, or early December, so by the time I finished work it was already pitch black and the lighting on the road between that town and my city was very dim, so dim I could barely see outside. It was raining.

So, as per usual, there I am, with the bus all to myself, sitting comfortably with my headphones on and watching a movie on my tablet. Around half way trough the journey, this really cute girls walks in to the bus. She was blonde with green eyes, and a few freckles on her cheek wearing a rain jacket, jeans and  rubber boots covered in mud.

She shows her bus pass to the driver, looks at me and immediately walks over to where I'm sitting and asks me if i have the time. I take my headphones off and reply. She then proceeds to sit across from me and starts a conversation. Asks me where I'm from, what I do, and where I live. She tells me she is studying civil engineering and that she does some volunteering work in a nearby animal shelter, where she was coming from.
Tells me a bit about her hopes to travel and see the world, how she always enjoys meeting new people and all sort of things to make sure the conversation keeps going.

A few minutes later, her stop comes up, I still had about 30 minutes left before I reached mine.

So she stands up and signals the bus to stop, she looks at me and said it was really nice to meet me and that it she enjoyed our conversation.
To which I awkwardly respond, yes, it was really nice to meet you too, and maybe we will see each other again sometime.

She looks disappointed, stays silent for a moment and then says yeah... who knows. And with a goodbye slowly walks to the front of the bus waiting for her stop.

As the bus stops to let her out, she turns back and waves one last time.

As the bus keeps moving forward to its next stop i proceed to put my headphones back, but a though sweeps trough my mind making me stand still in my sudden realisation...

She was flirting with me.
That moment of silence was a last effort for me to say something else.
Ask her out for a coffee.
For a phone number.
For something.
Something to keep our conversation going past that moment.

As those thoughts all rushed trough my head I felt words forming on my lips

And I silently mumbled..

I am a moron...

It's been sometime since this episode, and I have no idea if we could have become good friends or maybe something else. What I know is that every now and again the image of her still pops in to my mind giving me a huge urge to bang my head against the nearest wall repeatedly.