Walking down memory lane.

A trip to the past…

This past weekend I went on a journey, a journey to my past in the present. It started with a casual meeting with some old friends for a beer on Friday night, having fun, hearing old jokes and new ones. Seeing familiar faces, getting to know their new life and at the same time remembering the old one. It was a mixed feeling, in a way I felt like I belonged in another felt like I was just an old friend visiting. It was a relaxing evening, with casual conversation that put me in a good mood.

The next morning, the old ritual, that I had missed so much, the morning cup of coffee with my best friend, sharing life’s little tricks and surprises, speaking about the future and remembering the past, bumping ideas about what surrounds us while enjoying the occasional cigarette.
It’s amazing that, no matter how much time has passed, some things remain the same, a constant on this ever changing world, something that I can trace back so many years, and that I know that, no matter how much time one of us goes away, there will always be sometime in the future where we will meet again, for a nice conversation, and a nice espresso on a lazy Sunday or Saturday morning where two old friends spend a few hours talking with each other. In fact I can almost see us, in our sixties, old and worn by time, sharing this time stories about our children, or grandchildren, only if for just a couple of minutes, while the world fades away in the background.

The afternoon brought a surprise, the sun shined and the warm late winter afternoon in Portugal welcomed a walk down the beach, the waves calmly washing ashore, people enjoying sun baths, the smell of a summer yet to come, all of this while enjoying a few moments with an old friend, sharing experiences and opinions on what happened lately.
I hadn’t realized how much I used to enjoy this little moments and how much I missed them until now. A walk, a beer, a conversation that goes on for hours, the subjects ever changing to suit the moment. The stories may be new, but the point remains the same, relaxing the mind and the body, sharing the joys and emotions of what life brings us, each sentence allowing the other a better glimpse into the mind of the friend next to him.

Then Sunday lazy Sunday, while the weather changed so did my mood, my mind stumbled upon the countless ones I had so far, sitting at home, enjoying a movie, and outside the weather reminding us that It was still winter. I listened to the wind blowing on my windows, the crackling noise invading the house, helping to further my comfort for being inside, warm in my robe enjoying a nice cup of coffee.
It was a wonderful weekend, sometimes I wish that things would have never changed but then I remember why they did, I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, and get myself excited waiting for this new chapter in my life to unfold.

Urge

In the back of my mind something said, write, open up that program and rape the keyboard with the thoughts that invade your mind.
Ok, let’s turn the music on and start.

It’s been three weeks since I got here, back home, back to those familiar places, fighting so hard to not drown in old habits.
Every time I walk a street or go for a car ride I see ghosts of a life that is no longer mine. Nostalgia invades me, sinks in and leaves me feeling depressed and down, but I have to stay positive, keep telling myself that it’s just a temporary thing.
To be honest I miss the excitement of living in a different place, some place where I don’t belong, I’m just visiting.
I ask myself if this feeling of satisfaction for being in a different place will ever end, if I will reach a point when I will feel the need to settle down, to find a new place to call home, or if I am condemn to end up in the place that I want so bad to leave.

Since I got here, thoughts of a past life come rushing forward every day, the what ifs and the scenarios that I missed when I left. Daydreaming of decisions that I made that if different would lead me to a different life.
I find myself flowing into a spiral of nostalgic poison.

It’s funny how we work, when we don’t have the time we have the ideas, when we do have the time the ideas are nowhere to be found. There was always so much that I wanted to do but always felt like I didn’t had enough time to do it all, and now here I stand, with all the time that I need and I can’t seem to find the motivation to do what I always wanted to do.

One thing is for sure, this is a lesson, a life lesson that I hope to learn correctly.

In my mind now, thoughts of a place a called home for a short time, the good and the bad and in a little corner of my mind dreams of the one that follows.