It’s astonishing how things tend to fade away with time, how
what we though was the most important thing in our life now seems meaningless.
Ties break, values change, smiles waver and memories wash away as messages in
the sand.
There was a time when Mondays were my favourite day, struggling
a part time job with my studies in order to not starve away my hopes and dreams,
going weeks on end with no days off, Mondays were my relief, it was the day
that I woke up with the most energy, happier, when I really looked forward to
get out of bed.
I still remember my first weekend of freedom after that
time, one hell of a drunken night, I still remember my then girlfriend dragging
me to her bed and going to the kitchen to make me a cup of tea. I remember waking
up to the tea sitting untouched next to the nightstand.
I also remember juggling a lie that was snowballing way over
my control, agonizing each day about being discovered, holding the tears inside
while that lie was wreaking havoc among my friends, family and love life. I remember
crying myself to sleep when I finally decided to let go of the lie, crying in a
girls lap while she petted my head after realizing she had been betrayed and
destroyed when she put what little trust she had left to give.
I remember a time when I had to travel 6 hours a day to get
from my house to my job and back, thinking, while I stared at the road in the
sidewalk, how my brain had shutdown, how my body and mind felt like they were
going on autopilot. I was watching my life play out like I was sitting in a
couch watching me in the television screen, unable to move, unable to feel,
unable to speak.
I remember being stuck, not against my will but stuck do to
circumstance, in a foreign land, away from family, friends, in a culture that I
couldn’t relate in a country scared by war, famine, terror and despair.
During all those times I held dear so many different things.
Claiming at each time that what I was missing was what I needed to be happy.
Freedom…
Truth…
Time…
Money…
And now…
Now I sit here, still not satisfied, still not happy.
It’s like an hunger to get more and more, while my body is
breaking down and my mind is no longer willing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy, I have so many good
memories, so many good friends, so many good things in my life that I it should
be enough to be satisfied.
But it never is…
My thirst is like a curse, always wanting more, always
putting myself in situations that force me to evolve and overcome. Always
gathering the wood and the tinder. Always lighting it, staring at the flames
while the wood crackles with the fire. Always stepping into the agony of
burning flesh, always feeling the hell fire on my skin and falling apart to ashes.
Always rising from them in a new form, reborn so to say, drunk by the fleeting
high of conquest.
But now my thoughts permeate my confidence, I hear the
voice, I see the cracks beneath my skin.
Until when will I rise, until when will this gamble give me
what I want, when will I be stepping into that fire for the last time, unable
to rise. When will I be just a pile of ashes being blown away by the wind like
a memory on a mind, slowly drifting away into that open sea…
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