I lay awake

It's almost 4 in the morning, the clock keeps ticking and I lay awake drifting away in thoughts and insecurities.
My mind keeps me awake, unable to enjoy the embrace of my dreams, my soul is restless and my insomnia takes control of me.
The lonely hour, the solitude of the darkness outside, the engulfing silence that shouts louder than words itself.

I don't know why I lay awake, I rather be sleeping, dreaming of better times dreaming of past moments, dreaming of endless fantasies.
So I type, away on my keyboard, trying to reach those who cant hear me, those who sleep away while I lay awake craving for slumber.

I miss the simpler times, when all I needed was to lay my head on a pillow and close my eyes, when all worried about was the silly things in life, the careless things in life.

So I lay awake, waiting for my mind to give up, for my eyes to get heavy, for my body to stop resisting, for my energy to fade away.
Take me away, surround me by the numbness, make me forget for just a few hours that the world is outside, cold, silent. Let me forget all that is wrong, all that is foul, all the keeps me awake.

I lay awake.

Crushing me

I had a dream last night, a dream about a chance already lost, of smiles and happiness. It crushed my soul to remember that touch, that smile, the warmth of your embrace.
It was a sweet dream full of sorrow, of things I sacrificed to embrace my nature, to break the chains that held me in place when my only desire was to soar.

Funny, at the time my mind was set, convinced i needed to let go to fly away and discover a world that was tempting me. Weird how you haunt me now, how my mind keeps showing me what could have been but wasn't.

I miss you, not you exactly but the idea of you. The comfort of your lips, the softness of your skin, the passion we once shared. I miss someone like you in my life, and as the time passes ever so gently all those seconds are like daggers piercing my fragile heart.

I want to break down in tears everyday, even when smiling the fullest my heart is empty, loveless, de-voided of what once filled it with joy. Its funny how easy was to let you go and how hard I cling to it at the same time.

I miss your love, I miss the feeling of being loved. I am more alone now than i ever have been, and with each day that passes the more my heart fades away.

Dreams take time.

It's so easy to let yourself be immerse in dreams, sleep your worries away, dream of better tomorrows in a world of infinite possibilities.
It's easy to embrace the pillow, close your eyes and just fade away in to those ethereal moments that make you smile when the sorrows engulf you.

But then you wake up and get pulled back to reality, where things not always go the way you want and time seems to progress at the slowest pace it can. All your goals, all your desires seem so far away but in time, if you keep steady and moving forward, one by one they somehow come true.

Dreams take time, and our impatience makes it very difficult to  wait peacefully, it takes effort, hard work, sweat and tears. Those days that suck the life out of you, the ones where everyone seems to punch you and kick you to the curb seem to reoccur more often.

We all have good and bad days, and some days seem cold, lonely and grey. but even the grey-est of days occasionally bring some rays of sunshine.

Just keep your head in the game, stay strong and lean on those around you, sometimes a comforting shoulder washes all the aches away.

Keep smiling no matter how hard it may seem, just around the corner your dreams are waiting,

Realization.

I lived a strange life so far, and I not even half way yet.

From my awkward first kiss at 15 to my crazy plans at 26. Some moments in my life i kept only to myself, and every now and again they come out to haunt me.

Today in the middle of a moment, a memory came flooding my mind. Of a cocky 18 year old who tried way too hard to be something he wasn't, a desperate cry to try and live those teenage years that were in the process of being stolen from him.

When I was 18, my grandfather died. It's hard for everyone but my grandfather was the only stable rock in my life since I was born, he took care of me and my mother, to the best of his powers he aloud me to live a somewhat normal live.

He ignored my flaws but always made me feel like I had to grow up to be the best version of me. He provided me with a safety net that was now gone. 

Left me alone with a sick mother who lives in a separate world, unable to comprehend what is going on around her. But he tried so much to live long enough for me to be on my feet, and my biggest regret in life was that I never got to show him just how far I could go. 

But I digress, this is a story for another chapter, my point is, after his death I was still trying to grab hold of the idea I was still just a teenager, that I was aloud to ignore the problems and lead a normal life.

I remember on the summer after his death I got a girlfriend, she was 17, lived in the middle of nowhere, we had met the year before, during the summer break, I remember seeing her at the beach, and thinking just how cute she was, I could see her staring back, but at that time I had very little self esteem, so I though it was just my imagination.

Turns out fate had other plans, turns out she was a cousin of my next door neighbour. Can you imagine the odds, I mean here I was camping, almost 200 km away from home, which by chance was also the place where my next door neighbour's family had their beach house, and this one girl that stole my gaze one day at the beach just happened to be her cousin.

So that week we went to her house to spend the afternoon in the pool, and there she was, staring back at me again.

Even though nothing happened that year, the next year she visited my home town for a few days, and me, her and her cousin along with her boyfriend went out to the movies one afternoon. Spiderman 2, the crappy one with Toby McGuire, I have to say I can't remember what the movie all that well, all i know is I was so nervous about trying to kiss her my mouth went completely dry with anxiety and my chest felt like it wanted to explode.

But it happened and we started dating, which was a bit difficult since she lived very far away. 2 hours by train to be exact, and I was broke. I was so poor I used to eat marmalade sandwiches for dinner breakfast and lunch, several days in a row.

Again, I was trying to refuse the fact I had to grow up, my grandfather wasn't around any more to allow me to leave a normal life, but I wanted it so much to have a normal life I just kept going.

I even ended at the hospital because of it, but even that wasn't enough to make me realize it.

The day I realized I really had to grow up was at her house. I used to go to her house every two weeks and spend the weekend, her parents where strange enough they even arranged a guest room for me. so this happened two weeks before her birthday, her father called me aside when she wasn't around and tried to give me money.

He knew how poor I was, he also wanted me to give something nice to his daughter for her birthday.

I never felt so ashamed in my life, I refused and went to the bathroom, taking a long and deep look at myself...

That moment I realized, just how over my carefree days were. I think we saw each other two or three times after that. But that moment stuck with me till this day...

Some days I feel, some days...

On some days, when I am all alone with my thoughts, I think of you.

It show me how much of a coward I really am, so afraid of something just because the idea of losing you scares me more than the possibility of having you.

I conflicted between these two paths, frozen in the middle afraid to commit to any of them.  And it's moronic to deny it, it's idiotic to spend my life too scared to take the chance, even when you are the first person I think of, the one I constantly nag, the one I always look for in my phone.

But such is life, when what is natural and logic seems so unreal and impossible...

I always wanted someone who understands, who cares, who tries, but for some reason all the stuff that I keep locked up scares away the few good things life could bring me.

And so I sit here, alone, lost and frail, desperate to reach out but to afraid to do so.

So I close my eyes and get lost in my thoughts, in getting away from reality, just losing myself with you somewhere,  I just want to let go and go.

Leave all the doubts, leave all the fears, share all those awkward moments, me trying too hard, you laughing it off.

I am fighting this depression, this loneliness that fills my heart, while chasing my dream I suddenly realized how empty it all is without you in it. I hate being away, I hate being left out, I hate this.

Just get me away from here already, say the words and let's go. Or... what if... I am the one saying it.

What if I reached out my hand and told you to come, would you join me?

Life is too short to sit still and to long the run it alone.

Whatever the future brings you, smile, you are al right, we are all screw ups just tumbling along the lines of our story.

Moving on...

Moving on...

So I've heard, moving on to something better, something different.

It's hard to move on, letting go of the past and the present guiding your steps forward trying so hard to leave the scenery behind and reach a different view.

But why move on, what's wrong with lingering, what's wrong with holding on to something that you treasure. It's the perspective of uncertainty. Are you happy? The question that lingers. I deny myself of happiness like I don't deserve it, like all I have been through was to teach me something i never learned.

It's easy to try when you can't fail, because winning was never an option. It was just an illusion designed to convince the self that there is hope on the other door side of the door, but on the other side there's just an empty room, filled with the same dust, the same smell, the same air.

Starting fresh, damn I have been through so many starts believing that it was what I needed to get me trough to the end goal.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the clues, but looking back there are very few things in my life I am truly afraid to lose. And on most times I don't even notice what is there to lose, what is there for me if I take the chance. But doing it without knowing the result is the hardest thing. It's like climbing a wall with no edges.

Sometimes I'm so afraid to try and fail I never try at all, I end up changing my views to protect myself from that fear.

When all screams go! I hesitate. and then I move on, on to the next challenge, on to the next trial, following that trail again to a fresh start.

All I have is what I try to be. And that makes me a ghost, a shadow. I try so hard to belong but when i do I run away.

But I'm tired of running, I'm tired of starting over, of moving on. I want to get somewhere.

So moving on...

I look back to a constant presence,

I don't know what I want, I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

The only thing I know is what I want from you.

Please take me away, let's travel, roam, let's get lost somewhere we can find something together.

Take away from all of this, share my loneliness with me and drive it away like you have been doing this last years.

Please take me away, please help me and take me away.

It's funny when we started I had no idea I would ever ask you this. But now I find myself looking at my screen hoping to see you on the other side.

We are a couple of fools you and I.

For society to work, you have to fail.

For society to work, you have to fail. Yes you. Because somebody needs to do what the rest of us are too good to do.
If everybody was equal, who would want to serve coffee on a new years morning? Or wipe shit out of somebody ass on Christmas day?

For a long time I have been shouting that our education system is unfair, on the surface it appears to reward the ones who are smart and work hard for their dreams, but those chosen few, the ones who everybody cherish for all of their effort are just the tip of the iceberg. I tend to find that for 1 success story from a poor kid who had to struggle all of his life to follow his dreams, 9 equally gifted were left behind. Because sometimes their gift or knowledge wasn't conventional, or maybe his father was a drunk and beat his mother and instead of a future engineer he is now a truck driver. And don't get me wrong, driving a truck is really difficult and you need great skills to pull it off, but i really doubt my friend wanted to be driving a truck when he got to his 30's.

That same friend took me out for a coffee when we were about 20, I was fighting depression and was completely lost, my family dint understand that it was a condition and shrugged it off as you just being a sissy. But he took me out of the house to drink a coffee and tell me his story, when his mother left is father and left him and his brother behind he entered depression, and like with my case, they gave him a big flask of pills and sent him on his own. He quit school to support his drunken father and allow is brother a better life that what he had in store. Don't get me wrong, even though we haven't talked in years he is now, i think, happily married, has a very cute kid, and seems to be doing o.k driving a truck around. He told me on that day, well I quit the studies because i needed money, but it's o.k, we can't all be doctors.

He was right, we can't... But i knew him before this happened, i knew him before he gave up, I knew that he had an amazing mind, the things we built together in my backyard when we were kids, were amazing for such young kids. So I'm left to wonder, what would have he accomplished if he hadn't given up, or if his life was just a little bit easier.

I took a different path, even though after my grandfather died i almost starved myself sick to finish my course. Was it worth it, who knows, I haven't accomplished anything note worthy. I was never considered above average, even though i never really tried to succeed in anything i did. why? Because it's boring,..
Because it's meaningless to me...

But getting back to the point, education. So we all take the same classes, we all do the same tests, and then when we are a bit older, we choose something to specialize in, where again, we all take the same classes, and we all do the same exams. Because every parent wants a doctor for a son, but society has a limited need for doctors, and not every kid wants to be a doctor. But we all want something good, nobody dream job is to  clean other's people shit. Or wash dishes in a restaurant. But somebody has to do it.
So in reality the system we have in place is perfect, it's designed to only allow a few to pass, even though some shouldn't. I met people with university degrees who only did it because, well we had too., like all of the philosophers who though, hey at least i get a college degree and don't have to do math.

So what can we do instead, fuck if i know, I still haven't found something that i really want to do, and i bet when i do, i'll probably get bored with it.