Realization.

I lived a strange life so far, and I not even half way yet.

From my awkward first kiss at 15 to my crazy plans at 26. Some moments in my life i kept only to myself, and every now and again they come out to haunt me.

Today in the middle of a moment, a memory came flooding my mind. Of a cocky 18 year old who tried way too hard to be something he wasn't, a desperate cry to try and live those teenage years that were in the process of being stolen from him.

When I was 18, my grandfather died. It's hard for everyone but my grandfather was the only stable rock in my life since I was born, he took care of me and my mother, to the best of his powers he aloud me to live a somewhat normal live.

He ignored my flaws but always made me feel like I had to grow up to be the best version of me. He provided me with a safety net that was now gone. 

Left me alone with a sick mother who lives in a separate world, unable to comprehend what is going on around her. But he tried so much to live long enough for me to be on my feet, and my biggest regret in life was that I never got to show him just how far I could go. 

But I digress, this is a story for another chapter, my point is, after his death I was still trying to grab hold of the idea I was still just a teenager, that I was aloud to ignore the problems and lead a normal life.

I remember on the summer after his death I got a girlfriend, she was 17, lived in the middle of nowhere, we had met the year before, during the summer break, I remember seeing her at the beach, and thinking just how cute she was, I could see her staring back, but at that time I had very little self esteem, so I though it was just my imagination.

Turns out fate had other plans, turns out she was a cousin of my next door neighbour. Can you imagine the odds, I mean here I was camping, almost 200 km away from home, which by chance was also the place where my next door neighbour's family had their beach house, and this one girl that stole my gaze one day at the beach just happened to be her cousin.

So that week we went to her house to spend the afternoon in the pool, and there she was, staring back at me again.

Even though nothing happened that year, the next year she visited my home town for a few days, and me, her and her cousin along with her boyfriend went out to the movies one afternoon. Spiderman 2, the crappy one with Toby McGuire, I have to say I can't remember what the movie all that well, all i know is I was so nervous about trying to kiss her my mouth went completely dry with anxiety and my chest felt like it wanted to explode.

But it happened and we started dating, which was a bit difficult since she lived very far away. 2 hours by train to be exact, and I was broke. I was so poor I used to eat marmalade sandwiches for dinner breakfast and lunch, several days in a row.

Again, I was trying to refuse the fact I had to grow up, my grandfather wasn't around any more to allow me to leave a normal life, but I wanted it so much to have a normal life I just kept going.

I even ended at the hospital because of it, but even that wasn't enough to make me realize it.

The day I realized I really had to grow up was at her house. I used to go to her house every two weeks and spend the weekend, her parents where strange enough they even arranged a guest room for me. so this happened two weeks before her birthday, her father called me aside when she wasn't around and tried to give me money.

He knew how poor I was, he also wanted me to give something nice to his daughter for her birthday.

I never felt so ashamed in my life, I refused and went to the bathroom, taking a long and deep look at myself...

That moment I realized, just how over my carefree days were. I think we saw each other two or three times after that. But that moment stuck with me till this day...

Some days I feel, some days...

On some days, when I am all alone with my thoughts, I think of you.

It show me how much of a coward I really am, so afraid of something just because the idea of losing you scares me more than the possibility of having you.

I conflicted between these two paths, frozen in the middle afraid to commit to any of them.  And it's moronic to deny it, it's idiotic to spend my life too scared to take the chance, even when you are the first person I think of, the one I constantly nag, the one I always look for in my phone.

But such is life, when what is natural and logic seems so unreal and impossible...

I always wanted someone who understands, who cares, who tries, but for some reason all the stuff that I keep locked up scares away the few good things life could bring me.

And so I sit here, alone, lost and frail, desperate to reach out but to afraid to do so.

So I close my eyes and get lost in my thoughts, in getting away from reality, just losing myself with you somewhere,  I just want to let go and go.

Leave all the doubts, leave all the fears, share all those awkward moments, me trying too hard, you laughing it off.

I am fighting this depression, this loneliness that fills my heart, while chasing my dream I suddenly realized how empty it all is without you in it. I hate being away, I hate being left out, I hate this.

Just get me away from here already, say the words and let's go. Or... what if... I am the one saying it.

What if I reached out my hand and told you to come, would you join me?

Life is too short to sit still and to long the run it alone.

Whatever the future brings you, smile, you are al right, we are all screw ups just tumbling along the lines of our story.

Moving on...

Moving on...

So I've heard, moving on to something better, something different.

It's hard to move on, letting go of the past and the present guiding your steps forward trying so hard to leave the scenery behind and reach a different view.

But why move on, what's wrong with lingering, what's wrong with holding on to something that you treasure. It's the perspective of uncertainty. Are you happy? The question that lingers. I deny myself of happiness like I don't deserve it, like all I have been through was to teach me something i never learned.

It's easy to try when you can't fail, because winning was never an option. It was just an illusion designed to convince the self that there is hope on the other door side of the door, but on the other side there's just an empty room, filled with the same dust, the same smell, the same air.

Starting fresh, damn I have been through so many starts believing that it was what I needed to get me trough to the end goal.

I don't have all the answers, I don't have all the clues, but looking back there are very few things in my life I am truly afraid to lose. And on most times I don't even notice what is there to lose, what is there for me if I take the chance. But doing it without knowing the result is the hardest thing. It's like climbing a wall with no edges.

Sometimes I'm so afraid to try and fail I never try at all, I end up changing my views to protect myself from that fear.

When all screams go! I hesitate. and then I move on, on to the next challenge, on to the next trial, following that trail again to a fresh start.

All I have is what I try to be. And that makes me a ghost, a shadow. I try so hard to belong but when i do I run away.

But I'm tired of running, I'm tired of starting over, of moving on. I want to get somewhere.

So moving on...

I look back to a constant presence,

I don't know what I want, I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

The only thing I know is what I want from you.

Please take me away, let's travel, roam, let's get lost somewhere we can find something together.

Take away from all of this, share my loneliness with me and drive it away like you have been doing this last years.

Please take me away, please help me and take me away.

It's funny when we started I had no idea I would ever ask you this. But now I find myself looking at my screen hoping to see you on the other side.

We are a couple of fools you and I.

For society to work, you have to fail.

For society to work, you have to fail. Yes you. Because somebody needs to do what the rest of us are too good to do.
If everybody was equal, who would want to serve coffee on a new years morning? Or wipe shit out of somebody ass on Christmas day?

For a long time I have been shouting that our education system is unfair, on the surface it appears to reward the ones who are smart and work hard for their dreams, but those chosen few, the ones who everybody cherish for all of their effort are just the tip of the iceberg. I tend to find that for 1 success story from a poor kid who had to struggle all of his life to follow his dreams, 9 equally gifted were left behind. Because sometimes their gift or knowledge wasn't conventional, or maybe his father was a drunk and beat his mother and instead of a future engineer he is now a truck driver. And don't get me wrong, driving a truck is really difficult and you need great skills to pull it off, but i really doubt my friend wanted to be driving a truck when he got to his 30's.

That same friend took me out for a coffee when we were about 20, I was fighting depression and was completely lost, my family dint understand that it was a condition and shrugged it off as you just being a sissy. But he took me out of the house to drink a coffee and tell me his story, when his mother left is father and left him and his brother behind he entered depression, and like with my case, they gave him a big flask of pills and sent him on his own. He quit school to support his drunken father and allow is brother a better life that what he had in store. Don't get me wrong, even though we haven't talked in years he is now, i think, happily married, has a very cute kid, and seems to be doing o.k driving a truck around. He told me on that day, well I quit the studies because i needed money, but it's o.k, we can't all be doctors.

He was right, we can't... But i knew him before this happened, i knew him before he gave up, I knew that he had an amazing mind, the things we built together in my backyard when we were kids, were amazing for such young kids. So I'm left to wonder, what would have he accomplished if he hadn't given up, or if his life was just a little bit easier.

I took a different path, even though after my grandfather died i almost starved myself sick to finish my course. Was it worth it, who knows, I haven't accomplished anything note worthy. I was never considered above average, even though i never really tried to succeed in anything i did. why? Because it's boring,..
Because it's meaningless to me...

But getting back to the point, education. So we all take the same classes, we all do the same tests, and then when we are a bit older, we choose something to specialize in, where again, we all take the same classes, and we all do the same exams. Because every parent wants a doctor for a son, but society has a limited need for doctors, and not every kid wants to be a doctor. But we all want something good, nobody dream job is to  clean other's people shit. Or wash dishes in a restaurant. But somebody has to do it.
So in reality the system we have in place is perfect, it's designed to only allow a few to pass, even though some shouldn't. I met people with university degrees who only did it because, well we had too., like all of the philosophers who though, hey at least i get a college degree and don't have to do math.

So what can we do instead, fuck if i know, I still haven't found something that i really want to do, and i bet when i do, i'll probably get bored with it.

So here we are

So here we are, closer than before,

While I keep shouting like this forevermore

And here we are, underneath this starry sky,

While I keep screaming no matter what you try.

Since the day we met,

 I feel so peaceful and yet,

something keeps me wide awake

what’s the cause for my heart to ache?

 I keep longing for the days,

that I know might never come.

 I keep looking for the answers I can’t find.

Have I felt this way before?

Or are this illusions,

 Crawling in my mind?

have I opened up the door?

To discover what’s inside.

So here we are, closer than before,

While I keep shouting like this forevermore

And here we are, underneath this starry sky,

While I keep screaming no matter what you try.

On the day we fell apart,

You were so closer to my heart

Underneath my open arms,

I felt your hands holding me back.

It told a story,

that I know I’ll not forget,

of all the reasons

Why my eyes can’t rest.

And I keep remembering,

All the words you didn’t say.

I keep forgetting,

all the reasons not to stay.

You draw me closer

Even though we’re so apart.

But I feel closer,

to the beating of your heart.

So here we are, closer than before,

While I keep shouting like this forevermore

And here we are, underneath this starry sky,

While I keep screaming no matter what you try.

So here we are…

Underneath this starry sky

And here we are.

Closer than before…

There is this girl I know...

There is this girl I know...

Funny, smart, beautiful.

She is the bravest girl I know, one who follows hers dreams and never lets go.

Funny beyond believe, her passion for the little things makes all the boring details seem alive with joy. She makes you want to dance and laugh.

Smart as they come, never once did I met someone like that, all the little things, all the big things. Every time she talks I listen, every advice she gives I follow. She makes me feel small, naive, like I'm always struggling to keep up and at the same time, never fall behind.

As beautiful as the stars in a moonless clear night. Her smile lightens the room, her eyes pierce the soul.

Brave, amazingly brave. All the challenges, all the struggles, all the sorrows, she faces them head on. And even on the days she seems more vulnerable, she is fighting with all her might.

We met by chance, on a rainy October night, in a bus heading to a strange home. And part of me is forever thankful to that fated night.

She gets me like no one before, and yet here I am, with no answer at all,

I know she might not feel the same, at the end of the day, who am I? Just a stranger, under the rain, on a cold October night
.
But I don't let go and I hope, that at least in my dreams, she will care for me as much as I care for her. I hope for someone who cares for a careless soul. Always roaming, always wandering...

It's funny how life goes, when you find someone like that, and you tell yourself, no, you tell yourself, what for?

Maybe I feel like I don't deserve such thing, maybe I don't. Maybe all of this is pointless, all of this is just a cruel joke.

Maybe life is like this, and I am just stuck watching the main character go by, always perfect, always flawless.

Maybe I'm selfless, maybe I'm selfish. To want that kind of attention. Maybe, but who knows. You? Me?

Maybe.

The maybes and ifs, always the maybes and ifs.

If I shout loud enough will you listen?

Just wanted to let you know, you're amazing, don't ever let anyone tell you other wise.

The story of me, first chapter.

As long as I can remember I always thought I was different. Well I guess almost every single child thinks they are special for a while, since in the first part of their life it's like the whole universe spins around them.

But I was always different, even in that sense. I remember crying without knowing why on father's day in pre school, as my teacher told me if you don't have a father just draw something else. I wasn't crying because I didn't had a father, I was crying because that made me different from the rest, I didn't want to be different, I wanted to be the same.

Growing up I started to realize little by little just how different my life really was. My house consisted of two family members, besides me, my illiterate grandfather who was the wisest man I ever met, and my autistic mother who suffered from epilepsy. Sure I had other family, a uncle and an aunt, a godmother that made my days brighter, and two "borrowed" grandparents that were basically our landlords but treated me as if I was their own grandchild.

Memories are fuzzy and confusing from those days, but some things were burned forever in my mind, and even though at the time I was very little I remember them as clear as if they had happen yesterday. I will never forget the night when my godmothers best friend came to our house, I knew something was wrong, I could feel it from all of the commotion and strange things happening that day, but watching her come knock on our door at night was by far the strangest. Something was wrong, she would never be there if everything was right. That grown up figure standing outside my house and calling my name made my heart stop and as she kneel down and put her hands on my shoulders my young little mind was already waiting for the words I didn't want to hear.

Sorry Joao, Leopoldina, my "borrowed grandmother", passed away, she has gone to heaven now. The shock was too much for my 4 year old mind, my gut was twisted, my eyes started flowing and I cried myself to sleep on my living room couch, screaming and gripping my pillow until my body and my mind finally gave up.

Every thing changed from that day, no more home made cooking made by an angel, no more stories and adventures, on the house above mine. Years have passed but her image is still stuck in my mind, and all the good memories we shared will never fade away.

My "borrowed grandfather", Antonio, was my first teacher, he taught me how to do math and write simple words even before I started school. I remember fondly helping him in the garden, building a fence for the chickens, or painting a shed for his tools. He had little ducks once, and we even built a small lake for the young ducklings, their side of the garden was like my own little wonderland. He taught me so many great things but even that stopped when she died, he became more and more reclusive and just started waiting day by day, for the embrace of the grim reaper, hoping it would take him back to her.

Still I tried very hard to cheer him up, I was constantly there in my free time, browsing his old library, playing with my Godmothers old board games and puzzles, she is their actual granddaughter.  

But even that was not enough. I watched his health deteriorate, I watched my mother doing her best to take care of him, countless times I would refuse to leave and they ended up placing a mattress on my Godmothers old room for me to sleep in.

He passed away when I was thirteen, on a Tuesday... this was the second saddest day of my life,.. 

I had a lot of friends growing up, my oldest one is still around today, and we keep confiding in each other even though our lives are now too far apart.

Most of the lessons I learned in life I learned from them, from watching how they were and how their parents acted with them. My mom, as much as I love her, lives in her own world, she did the best she could, but for me she was always someone I needed to protect and teach, not the other way around.

I remember when she took me to the Zoo, we used to do that a lot when I was young, she had a epileptic seizure in the middle of the train and dragged me out before we reached our stop. She was lost and confused after the seizure, she always is. I remembered being scared that day, I was about five or six years old, stuck in a strange and empty train station with a mother who couldn't reply to my questions, and seemed more lost than I was. I think my brain did the only thing it could and forced her to stay sill in the platform to wait for the next train, hoping that by that time it arrived she would have regained her wits and guide us to our destination.

As time passed and this little episodes happen again and again, I learned to deal with this the best I could. Most of the times I would just need to wait for her to regain control of her own mind and avoid the surrounding crowds from taking her away. I remember being so used to this that whenever I heard my mom speak "Oh my god", No matter where I was or what I was doing I knew she was having a seizure, so I would just keep an eye on her and wait it out.

But as much as I tried to protect her, she still had her own mind. She had a boyfriend when I was young, and because of him I started school in a private college near my house. It was his decision and my mom just went along with it. This was perhaps, even though I didn't knew it at the time, the best wrong decision anyone ever made with my life. Those six school years I spent there where simply blissful, even though the monthly payments were about the same amount my mother received from her forced retirement, that school provided me with the best education I could hope to get in my early years. Thanks to those years, and my personal experiences, my mind developed in a way it wouldn't have in a different school.

I made friends for life in that school, despite only one of them remaining in my life. The people I met there showed me a completely different world from the one I knew. From the huge Lego collections, to the multiple computer games and tv channels available, their amazing big houses and loving families. And most of all they showed me that there was more to life than what I had. They showed me just how different I was from them and at the same time, in their kindness, always made me feel like a part of their world.

To be continued...