A year ago...

Here I am, a year has passed, a year ago I was waiting in anticipation of the challenges that would come my way. Preparing to leap into the unknown, letting go of all that I had built hoping for a new beginning.

In my quest I had forgotten what a new beginning is like, I had forgotten that in every beginning there is a learning curve, a trial period, a time to let go of it all so you can embrace what's to come.

I did it, I finally released myself from the shackles that imprisoned me to my past, it took me almost a year but I did it, I have cut all the unnecessary ties and chains and I'm finally ready to move on.

I challenged you to follow me, and no one did, because its not the way, its not your way, when you're on this trip something changes, you cant take what was in the past, you have to create what is in the future.

I'm glad I did this, I'm glad that I finally had the chance to set my life straight the way I wanted it to be, I am so glad of the people I met along the way, people that opened my eyes to a new reality, people that taught me that home is wherever you want it to be.

What I take with me from this experience is the knowledge you all gave me, either you are chasing your dream with all you got, seeing the dream finally come to life, trapped in a life that you don't want, trying to create a life together or just simply leaving the fairy tail you thought you didn't deserve. All of you taught me something, and I'm glad I met you, and for me, the only thing I will take from Scotland, is your friendship hoping that it wont fade away with time.

Seems like I'm exactly where I was a year ago, waiting for a new beginning,  but I'm not, I'm wiser, stronger and happier and for that, I have all of you to thank, this time its not a new beginning, it's the next step of my new journey.

Thank you my Glaswegian friends.

The door.

The door is there...

Waiting for me to cross it, I have spent my whole life looking for it and now I found it, but I hesitate.
I linger in that hall looking at it, afraid of grabbing the handle and losing what is behind me.

There is a ray of light invading from underneath the door, it shows promise of what should be on the other side. For years I have longed for this, so many times I looked, I searched, I threw all that I had away for this door...

And now its here, taunting me, waiting... just waiting for my hand.

My goal is here, but after it what will be left?

I know the answer, me... and that is why I am afraid, after I cross that door I'm all that's left of the quest, and I don't know what that is, I don't know who I am, or if I can live with only that.

But I need to cross it, although I'm still scared of it, I will cross it instead of regretting.

And if there is no coming back from it so be it.

I will embrace what follows, go where ever it will take me and make the best of it.

Why you?

What to do when there's someone on your mind that you cant push away?
What to do when you crave the impossible, hope for what cant be, long for what I cant have?
What does it mean to find you now, to find you in the middle of the crossroad?

Some of the questions that haunt me right now, questions that I already know the answer to, questions that I wish I had never made.

Meeting you was the unexpected, getting to know you was more than I was prepared for.

Why now? Why here? Why you?

I see past your mask, past your wall, past all the sadness, I reach out when I know I shouldn't, I give you my hand when I know that it wont always be there.

I find myself dreaming about a future that cant exist, about the laughs and joy we could share but wont. I wonder about my decisions, my mistakes, my goals, I wonder where your life will take you, how happy you will be? I wonder what you will accomplish, wonder what will make you smile, what comforts you during the hard times, what holds you close when you feel alone, what gives you strength when you feel weak.

I wonder... that is all I can do, wonder...

You might find this strange, but I am happy to have had the chance, the chance to know you, and to fall for what is underneath. Although I try to let it go, it grabs me, it keeps a hold on my mind and refuses to leave.
You don't know but you can feel it, you don't accept it but you linger...

But I try, that is the whole meaning behind it, there is nothing else that I can do but try... that is the whole reason.

Things I said and no one knows...

There are some things that I can say, others that I can’t hide.
There are some things that I want to say, but surely I have to hide it.

It’s funny how is it is so easy to hide something, just put it in plain sight, no one will ever find it if it’s not hidden.
The only things that get discovered are the ones hiding in a dark and shady place, where secrets usually are. I have something to say, so I said it, but most likely the one who was supposed to hear it, or in this case read it will never do it.
Why? Because it’s not hidden, it’s out there, right in front of their noses and so it will remain a secret.

Lately I have a lot to say, I feel imprisoned by myself and my lack of opportunity to say it, I feel trapped in my own thoughts, constantly waiting for the right moment, the right time, the right chance. I have so much to tell and no one to tell it to, so I write, and hope that the message will reach its destination, but it rarely does, and I am left with me and my abandoned words.

Words, when written, are a healing for the soul, you cleanse yourself of the feelings you have bottled up, you vomit on a piece of paper, or as of more recently, a digital piece of paper.
You share your thoughts with everyone, and no one at the same time, you share your soul with whoever decides to read the message, having no control on who reads it. And open messages leave room for interpretation, you might think this message is for you, but you have no way of knowing if it is or if it isn’t, you can only assume, this uncertainty amuses me.

The uncertainty of letters formed into words formed into sentences formed into a message, that only I know to whom it was intended, and as time goes by, I might forget who the message was for, and then it’s truly uncertain, constantly on a state of having been delivered or not.

And that amuses me, so I write, and let go, I send this message out there and let it go on its own path, it feels a bit like staring at the stars, no matter how much you look, you can’t really know what is on the other side.

Just waiting to happen...

There is something very pleasant about meeting someone new, especially when you’re enjoying yourself.
You share laughs, crazy stories, awkward moments, little pieces of you that make you who you are.
Sharing a drink you tell stories, you share things about your life that you normally would keep to yourself, you feel compelled to share, to open your heart and soul to the one sitting in front of you and it gets to a point that you find yourself smiling and you have absolutely no idea why.
Then you part ways, but something inside you changes, you end up longing for the next moment, the next laugh the next situation that draws you closer.
You spend the next day’s  smiling , smiling because you know, that there is somewhere out there that makes you laugh, that makes you look forward for the future, you smile like it was your own personal secret that no one else knows and that makes you feel a little less alone in this world.
Even when you know that that reality only exists in your mind, that it may never come true, you still daydream, and long for it, it makes you have hope in the tomorrow. And sometimes it’s amazing how these things happen, completely unexpected, by chance, by the simple act of meeting for the very first time in a different situation.
You find yourself in those little moments, realizing that you’re enjoying the moment too much to let it go, and you cling on it, it happens by chance and it caught you of guard, and good thing it happens like that, sometimes the surprise is what makes life worth living, knowing that somewhere, out there, there is one of life’s little moments just waiting to happen.

Counting Stars

I have a new favourite song, it’s easy, things change, people change and you find yourself in love with a new melody.

It gets lonely sometimes, liking a song that no one knows. It’s strange as well when the familiar tunes no longer reach you, but the thrill down your spine when you hear something new that makes you smile makes it all worthwhile.
Lately I am feeling lost, alone, it’s hard being away, far from home, no one to talk to, no friend to come and rescue you from your own nightmares, but no matter where you are, if you don’t give up, eventually the universe will surprise you with something new, a new light, a new decision, a new beginning.

Well some decisions I regret, others not so much, but I have to keep focused, see the light ahead of me, raise my head to the hardships and blocks I will find along the way.

I doubt myself sometimes, let uncertainty make me a little insecure, but I always come back, I always return, sometimes it just takes a little bit longer than usual.

You probably have no idea what I am talking about but thank you, sometimes the best actions are the ones that go unnoticed.

No more sitting counting dollars, I will be counting stars.

Where are you?

Sometimes I look at life and think, fuck where did I go wrong.

Where are the moments frozen in time by pictures, where is the laughter that I used to hear surrounding me and my friends. Where is the love that existed and now became part of memory? Where are the tears that fell down my face during the times of pain?
I look to the past, remember the sounds, the faces, the feelings, I reminisce in my memories with a pitch of sadness in my heart.

The past is gone, I keep it close in my mind, the future is uncertain and I look ahead trying to see the light. My heart races in anticipation, my mind goes numb and where are the future moments that will make me remember?

I sit now, hoping I find an answer, when the darkness has fallen outside, when I’m feeling lonely and cold, I bring warmth to myself thinking about the good old times.

New friendships, new laughs, new reasons, new pains, new tears, all of the good and bad the future will hold.

But somehow I smile and hope, for stronger bonds, for new thrills, for new reasons to smile and share this adventure, the adventure of my life, sometimes sad, but most times full of joy.