Walking down memory lane.

A trip to the past…

This past weekend I went on a journey, a journey to my past in the present. It started with a casual meeting with some old friends for a beer on Friday night, having fun, hearing old jokes and new ones. Seeing familiar faces, getting to know their new life and at the same time remembering the old one. It was a mixed feeling, in a way I felt like I belonged in another felt like I was just an old friend visiting. It was a relaxing evening, with casual conversation that put me in a good mood.

The next morning, the old ritual, that I had missed so much, the morning cup of coffee with my best friend, sharing life’s little tricks and surprises, speaking about the future and remembering the past, bumping ideas about what surrounds us while enjoying the occasional cigarette.
It’s amazing that, no matter how much time has passed, some things remain the same, a constant on this ever changing world, something that I can trace back so many years, and that I know that, no matter how much time one of us goes away, there will always be sometime in the future where we will meet again, for a nice conversation, and a nice espresso on a lazy Sunday or Saturday morning where two old friends spend a few hours talking with each other. In fact I can almost see us, in our sixties, old and worn by time, sharing this time stories about our children, or grandchildren, only if for just a couple of minutes, while the world fades away in the background.

The afternoon brought a surprise, the sun shined and the warm late winter afternoon in Portugal welcomed a walk down the beach, the waves calmly washing ashore, people enjoying sun baths, the smell of a summer yet to come, all of this while enjoying a few moments with an old friend, sharing experiences and opinions on what happened lately.
I hadn’t realized how much I used to enjoy this little moments and how much I missed them until now. A walk, a beer, a conversation that goes on for hours, the subjects ever changing to suit the moment. The stories may be new, but the point remains the same, relaxing the mind and the body, sharing the joys and emotions of what life brings us, each sentence allowing the other a better glimpse into the mind of the friend next to him.

Then Sunday lazy Sunday, while the weather changed so did my mood, my mind stumbled upon the countless ones I had so far, sitting at home, enjoying a movie, and outside the weather reminding us that It was still winter. I listened to the wind blowing on my windows, the crackling noise invading the house, helping to further my comfort for being inside, warm in my robe enjoying a nice cup of coffee.
It was a wonderful weekend, sometimes I wish that things would have never changed but then I remember why they did, I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, and get myself excited waiting for this new chapter in my life to unfold.

Urge

In the back of my mind something said, write, open up that program and rape the keyboard with the thoughts that invade your mind.
Ok, let’s turn the music on and start.

It’s been three weeks since I got here, back home, back to those familiar places, fighting so hard to not drown in old habits.
Every time I walk a street or go for a car ride I see ghosts of a life that is no longer mine. Nostalgia invades me, sinks in and leaves me feeling depressed and down, but I have to stay positive, keep telling myself that it’s just a temporary thing.
To be honest I miss the excitement of living in a different place, some place where I don’t belong, I’m just visiting.
I ask myself if this feeling of satisfaction for being in a different place will ever end, if I will reach a point when I will feel the need to settle down, to find a new place to call home, or if I am condemn to end up in the place that I want so bad to leave.

Since I got here, thoughts of a past life come rushing forward every day, the what ifs and the scenarios that I missed when I left. Daydreaming of decisions that I made that if different would lead me to a different life.
I find myself flowing into a spiral of nostalgic poison.

It’s funny how we work, when we don’t have the time we have the ideas, when we do have the time the ideas are nowhere to be found. There was always so much that I wanted to do but always felt like I didn’t had enough time to do it all, and now here I stand, with all the time that I need and I can’t seem to find the motivation to do what I always wanted to do.

One thing is for sure, this is a lesson, a life lesson that I hope to learn correctly.

In my mind now, thoughts of a place a called home for a short time, the good and the bad and in a little corner of my mind dreams of the one that follows.

A year ago...

Here I am, a year has passed, a year ago I was waiting in anticipation of the challenges that would come my way. Preparing to leap into the unknown, letting go of all that I had built hoping for a new beginning.

In my quest I had forgotten what a new beginning is like, I had forgotten that in every beginning there is a learning curve, a trial period, a time to let go of it all so you can embrace what's to come.

I did it, I finally released myself from the shackles that imprisoned me to my past, it took me almost a year but I did it, I have cut all the unnecessary ties and chains and I'm finally ready to move on.

I challenged you to follow me, and no one did, because its not the way, its not your way, when you're on this trip something changes, you cant take what was in the past, you have to create what is in the future.

I'm glad I did this, I'm glad that I finally had the chance to set my life straight the way I wanted it to be, I am so glad of the people I met along the way, people that opened my eyes to a new reality, people that taught me that home is wherever you want it to be.

What I take with me from this experience is the knowledge you all gave me, either you are chasing your dream with all you got, seeing the dream finally come to life, trapped in a life that you don't want, trying to create a life together or just simply leaving the fairy tail you thought you didn't deserve. All of you taught me something, and I'm glad I met you, and for me, the only thing I will take from Scotland, is your friendship hoping that it wont fade away with time.

Seems like I'm exactly where I was a year ago, waiting for a new beginning,  but I'm not, I'm wiser, stronger and happier and for that, I have all of you to thank, this time its not a new beginning, it's the next step of my new journey.

Thank you my Glaswegian friends.

The door.

The door is there...

Waiting for me to cross it, I have spent my whole life looking for it and now I found it, but I hesitate.
I linger in that hall looking at it, afraid of grabbing the handle and losing what is behind me.

There is a ray of light invading from underneath the door, it shows promise of what should be on the other side. For years I have longed for this, so many times I looked, I searched, I threw all that I had away for this door...

And now its here, taunting me, waiting... just waiting for my hand.

My goal is here, but after it what will be left?

I know the answer, me... and that is why I am afraid, after I cross that door I'm all that's left of the quest, and I don't know what that is, I don't know who I am, or if I can live with only that.

But I need to cross it, although I'm still scared of it, I will cross it instead of regretting.

And if there is no coming back from it so be it.

I will embrace what follows, go where ever it will take me and make the best of it.

Why you?

What to do when there's someone on your mind that you cant push away?
What to do when you crave the impossible, hope for what cant be, long for what I cant have?
What does it mean to find you now, to find you in the middle of the crossroad?

Some of the questions that haunt me right now, questions that I already know the answer to, questions that I wish I had never made.

Meeting you was the unexpected, getting to know you was more than I was prepared for.

Why now? Why here? Why you?

I see past your mask, past your wall, past all the sadness, I reach out when I know I shouldn't, I give you my hand when I know that it wont always be there.

I find myself dreaming about a future that cant exist, about the laughs and joy we could share but wont. I wonder about my decisions, my mistakes, my goals, I wonder where your life will take you, how happy you will be? I wonder what you will accomplish, wonder what will make you smile, what comforts you during the hard times, what holds you close when you feel alone, what gives you strength when you feel weak.

I wonder... that is all I can do, wonder...

You might find this strange, but I am happy to have had the chance, the chance to know you, and to fall for what is underneath. Although I try to let it go, it grabs me, it keeps a hold on my mind and refuses to leave.
You don't know but you can feel it, you don't accept it but you linger...

But I try, that is the whole meaning behind it, there is nothing else that I can do but try... that is the whole reason.

Things I said and no one knows...

There are some things that I can say, others that I can’t hide.
There are some things that I want to say, but surely I have to hide it.

It’s funny how is it is so easy to hide something, just put it in plain sight, no one will ever find it if it’s not hidden.
The only things that get discovered are the ones hiding in a dark and shady place, where secrets usually are. I have something to say, so I said it, but most likely the one who was supposed to hear it, or in this case read it will never do it.
Why? Because it’s not hidden, it’s out there, right in front of their noses and so it will remain a secret.

Lately I have a lot to say, I feel imprisoned by myself and my lack of opportunity to say it, I feel trapped in my own thoughts, constantly waiting for the right moment, the right time, the right chance. I have so much to tell and no one to tell it to, so I write, and hope that the message will reach its destination, but it rarely does, and I am left with me and my abandoned words.

Words, when written, are a healing for the soul, you cleanse yourself of the feelings you have bottled up, you vomit on a piece of paper, or as of more recently, a digital piece of paper.
You share your thoughts with everyone, and no one at the same time, you share your soul with whoever decides to read the message, having no control on who reads it. And open messages leave room for interpretation, you might think this message is for you, but you have no way of knowing if it is or if it isn’t, you can only assume, this uncertainty amuses me.

The uncertainty of letters formed into words formed into sentences formed into a message, that only I know to whom it was intended, and as time goes by, I might forget who the message was for, and then it’s truly uncertain, constantly on a state of having been delivered or not.

And that amuses me, so I write, and let go, I send this message out there and let it go on its own path, it feels a bit like staring at the stars, no matter how much you look, you can’t really know what is on the other side.

Just waiting to happen...

There is something very pleasant about meeting someone new, especially when you’re enjoying yourself.
You share laughs, crazy stories, awkward moments, little pieces of you that make you who you are.
Sharing a drink you tell stories, you share things about your life that you normally would keep to yourself, you feel compelled to share, to open your heart and soul to the one sitting in front of you and it gets to a point that you find yourself smiling and you have absolutely no idea why.
Then you part ways, but something inside you changes, you end up longing for the next moment, the next laugh the next situation that draws you closer.
You spend the next day’s  smiling , smiling because you know, that there is somewhere out there that makes you laugh, that makes you look forward for the future, you smile like it was your own personal secret that no one else knows and that makes you feel a little less alone in this world.
Even when you know that that reality only exists in your mind, that it may never come true, you still daydream, and long for it, it makes you have hope in the tomorrow. And sometimes it’s amazing how these things happen, completely unexpected, by chance, by the simple act of meeting for the very first time in a different situation.
You find yourself in those little moments, realizing that you’re enjoying the moment too much to let it go, and you cling on it, it happens by chance and it caught you of guard, and good thing it happens like that, sometimes the surprise is what makes life worth living, knowing that somewhere, out there, there is one of life’s little moments just waiting to happen.