Things I said and no one knows...

There are some things that I can say, others that I can’t hide.
There are some things that I want to say, but surely I have to hide it.

It’s funny how is it is so easy to hide something, just put it in plain sight, no one will ever find it if it’s not hidden.
The only things that get discovered are the ones hiding in a dark and shady place, where secrets usually are. I have something to say, so I said it, but most likely the one who was supposed to hear it, or in this case read it will never do it.
Why? Because it’s not hidden, it’s out there, right in front of their noses and so it will remain a secret.

Lately I have a lot to say, I feel imprisoned by myself and my lack of opportunity to say it, I feel trapped in my own thoughts, constantly waiting for the right moment, the right time, the right chance. I have so much to tell and no one to tell it to, so I write, and hope that the message will reach its destination, but it rarely does, and I am left with me and my abandoned words.

Words, when written, are a healing for the soul, you cleanse yourself of the feelings you have bottled up, you vomit on a piece of paper, or as of more recently, a digital piece of paper.
You share your thoughts with everyone, and no one at the same time, you share your soul with whoever decides to read the message, having no control on who reads it. And open messages leave room for interpretation, you might think this message is for you, but you have no way of knowing if it is or if it isn’t, you can only assume, this uncertainty amuses me.

The uncertainty of letters formed into words formed into sentences formed into a message, that only I know to whom it was intended, and as time goes by, I might forget who the message was for, and then it’s truly uncertain, constantly on a state of having been delivered or not.

And that amuses me, so I write, and let go, I send this message out there and let it go on its own path, it feels a bit like staring at the stars, no matter how much you look, you can’t really know what is on the other side.

Just waiting to happen...

There is something very pleasant about meeting someone new, especially when you’re enjoying yourself.
You share laughs, crazy stories, awkward moments, little pieces of you that make you who you are.
Sharing a drink you tell stories, you share things about your life that you normally would keep to yourself, you feel compelled to share, to open your heart and soul to the one sitting in front of you and it gets to a point that you find yourself smiling and you have absolutely no idea why.
Then you part ways, but something inside you changes, you end up longing for the next moment, the next laugh the next situation that draws you closer.
You spend the next day’s  smiling , smiling because you know, that there is somewhere out there that makes you laugh, that makes you look forward for the future, you smile like it was your own personal secret that no one else knows and that makes you feel a little less alone in this world.
Even when you know that that reality only exists in your mind, that it may never come true, you still daydream, and long for it, it makes you have hope in the tomorrow. And sometimes it’s amazing how these things happen, completely unexpected, by chance, by the simple act of meeting for the very first time in a different situation.
You find yourself in those little moments, realizing that you’re enjoying the moment too much to let it go, and you cling on it, it happens by chance and it caught you of guard, and good thing it happens like that, sometimes the surprise is what makes life worth living, knowing that somewhere, out there, there is one of life’s little moments just waiting to happen.

Counting Stars

I have a new favourite song, it’s easy, things change, people change and you find yourself in love with a new melody.

It gets lonely sometimes, liking a song that no one knows. It’s strange as well when the familiar tunes no longer reach you, but the thrill down your spine when you hear something new that makes you smile makes it all worthwhile.
Lately I am feeling lost, alone, it’s hard being away, far from home, no one to talk to, no friend to come and rescue you from your own nightmares, but no matter where you are, if you don’t give up, eventually the universe will surprise you with something new, a new light, a new decision, a new beginning.

Well some decisions I regret, others not so much, but I have to keep focused, see the light ahead of me, raise my head to the hardships and blocks I will find along the way.

I doubt myself sometimes, let uncertainty make me a little insecure, but I always come back, I always return, sometimes it just takes a little bit longer than usual.

You probably have no idea what I am talking about but thank you, sometimes the best actions are the ones that go unnoticed.

No more sitting counting dollars, I will be counting stars.

Where are you?

Sometimes I look at life and think, fuck where did I go wrong.

Where are the moments frozen in time by pictures, where is the laughter that I used to hear surrounding me and my friends. Where is the love that existed and now became part of memory? Where are the tears that fell down my face during the times of pain?
I look to the past, remember the sounds, the faces, the feelings, I reminisce in my memories with a pitch of sadness in my heart.

The past is gone, I keep it close in my mind, the future is uncertain and I look ahead trying to see the light. My heart races in anticipation, my mind goes numb and where are the future moments that will make me remember?

I sit now, hoping I find an answer, when the darkness has fallen outside, when I’m feeling lonely and cold, I bring warmth to myself thinking about the good old times.

New friendships, new laughs, new reasons, new pains, new tears, all of the good and bad the future will hold.

But somehow I smile and hope, for stronger bonds, for new thrills, for new reasons to smile and share this adventure, the adventure of my life, sometimes sad, but most times full of joy.

Eternal

Do not stare into the nothingness,
with sad tears upon your eyes.
What I was I am not now.
I am the memory in your mind.
I am the dust that covers the floor,
moving slowly for ever more.
I am the wind upon your back,
slowly blowing in your path.
I am the star that was left behind
I am the new one that will arise.
So do not stare into what is no more.
For I am me; and now I soar.

Acordei.

Hoje foi um dia igual a tantos outros, mas algo me fez olhar para o espaço que me rodeia com novos olhos.
Vi um caminho que fiz tantas vezes como se fosse a primeira, senti uma sensação de despertar como se tivesse acordado de um sono profundo e abrisse pela primeira vez os olhos, depois de dias a dormir.
Pequenos gestos e momentos que tornaram um dia comum num verdadeiro nirvana mental.
Pequenos momentos que nos fazem pensar e repensar o que aprendemos, o que sabemos e o que queremos.
Foi um dia cheio, com conversas, pequenos acasos, e surpresas a cada esquina.
Sinto pela primeira vez, desde há muito tempo, a mente despida de preconceitos, livre e vazia para absorver com calma o que me rodeia.
Cheguei a conclusão que me conheço melhor agora do que quando me esforçava demasiado para me conhecer.
Aceitei defeitos que são imutáveis e aprendi a reagir com naturalidade ao que antes me era desconfortável.

Acordei de manhã com aquela sensação de dormência que já me é tão familiar, sem absorver o que realmente se passa e acontece há minha volta., mas voltei para casa com a sensação de espertina que tanta falta me fazia.

Parou o turbilhão de pensamentos que me inundava e nesta altura é o que mais falta me faz, há alturas na vida em que faz bem abrandar, aproveitar um pouco o ritmo lento, saborear os pequenos prazeres da vida sem preocupações para podermos depois voltar a carga.

Avizinha-se mais uns anos de luta e esforço e como costumam dizer há sempre a clama antes da tempestade.

Coincidências

As coincidências da vida levam-nos a acreditar no destino.

Tretas.

São só isso, coincidências, truques da mente que nos fazem crer que temos um outro propósito, algo maior que nós, para lá da imaginação.
Um telefonema, um encontro, um evento. Todos estes nos fazem pensar que algo olha por nós, mas a verdade é que as coincidências da vida são apenas reflexos das nossas acções.

Quando aprendermos a vê-las, a relembrar o passado, a ligar os pontos, vemos que as acções que as trazem podem ser de ontem ou de outrora.
Basta um simples gesto, um olá, uma mensagem, um convite. Por vezes demora meses até que a ligação se crie, as vezes anos, uma vida…

Mas elas voltam, tornaram-se reacções e cabe-nos a nós reflectir nos nossos actos e compreender as consequências, perceber o que as liga.
Tudo para que as coincidências não sejam mais que o reflexo do passado presente no futuro.