O ultimo texto que te escrevo.

Desculpa…

Qual é o sentido da palavra? Sozinha é vazia, sozinha não tem força. Sozinha é frágil, oca, sem sentido.
A desculpa parte do que se esconde atrás das letras que a compõem. Do que nos vai na alma. Do que sentimos no momento.

Desculpa só não chega mas o que vai por detrás é algo imensurável. Só nós sabemos o que temos guardado, o que queremos carregar nesta palavra de oito letras.

Quero carregar esta palavra com todo o arrependimento que tenho guardado no peito. Quero carregar esta palavra com toda a sinceridade que me resta.
Quero carregar esta palavra com toda a bondade que tenho. Toda a bondade que quero, com todas as forças, acreditar que ainda tenho em mim.

Não sei porque se cruzaram os nossos caminhos, um mero acaso, ou algo que não podia ser de outra maneira. Sei que deixei uma parte de mim controlar o que fiz, uma parte negra, suja, envenenada pela minha própria ilusão de ser íntegro e sem culpa.

Nem sequer sei se o sentimento, a vontade, a natureza da minha alma é suficiente para carregar a palavra com força para compensar tudo o que fiz. Nem deve.

Mas é algo que me aflige, é algo que me corrói, não porque queira perdão mas sim porque me envergonho de ter vacilado aos meus próprios defeitos.

A vida não tem culpa, somos todos responsáveis pelas consequências dos nossos actos. Não tenho a quem atribuir culpas a não ser a mim mesmo.

Desculpa.

Desculpa por tudo o que fiz e tudo o que fiz acontecer. Desculpa pelos momentos de sufoco, pela traição escondida na mentira. Por ter espezinhado a bondade que me foi oferecida, por ter conspurcado todo o amor e carinho que me foi entregue.

A vida deu-me uma segunda oportunidade, e quero agarra-la com todas as forças. Quero agarra-la com todas as armas que me deste.

Ajudaste-me a crescer, a vencer o que de pior tinha guardado, e em vez de te agradecer, mais uma vez descartei toda a boa vontade como se de lixo se tratasse.

Desculpa.

E se leres este texto, e se de mim restar alguma coisa na memória, e se conseguir carregar tudo o que sinto em apenas duas palavras, sinceras, sem segundas intenções, nuas, cruas, vindas de algo que pensei já não existir em mim. Se de tudo o que aconteceu te permitires uma breve memória. Apenas duas palavras restam em mim.

Desculpa e obrigado.

Pieces of an eternal struggle

In this life, what’s the meaning? Why do we get up in the morning? Why do we try?
I find myself isolated, alone in a dark room. Unable to see past the dim light that shines upon me.
Why does my heart ache? Why does sadness seduce me?

Gently it calls me. I see it everywhere, i see it constantly like a specter that you can only glimpse at. Walking in the background, teasing you, luring in you into its embrace until it can finally get your in it’s embrace.

My heart is soft, my soul is week. I try to block it, to fight it but to no avail.
My mind is weak, my feelings soft. I feel blind, trying to fight a battle that I didn't ask for.

What is my sadness?

I wonder but can’t comprehend. I look in every direction. But still i can only see the Specter.

Its weird, in a sense it looks like me.

It moves like me, it whispers like me, it smiles like me. Why is it so alien and at the same time so familiar?

I hear the screaming smile…

I know… I finally know.

Who you are. What you are. What you seek.

You are me. You are my thoughts . You want my soul.

Take a deep breath. Close my eyes. Embrace it.

Today it starts, it continues, it ends. The battle, the struggle, the despair.

You are my enemy. My enemy is me.

Walking down memory lane.

A trip to the past…

This past weekend I went on a journey, a journey to my past in the present. It started with a casual meeting with some old friends for a beer on Friday night, having fun, hearing old jokes and new ones. Seeing familiar faces, getting to know their new life and at the same time remembering the old one. It was a mixed feeling, in a way I felt like I belonged in another felt like I was just an old friend visiting. It was a relaxing evening, with casual conversation that put me in a good mood.

The next morning, the old ritual, that I had missed so much, the morning cup of coffee with my best friend, sharing life’s little tricks and surprises, speaking about the future and remembering the past, bumping ideas about what surrounds us while enjoying the occasional cigarette.
It’s amazing that, no matter how much time has passed, some things remain the same, a constant on this ever changing world, something that I can trace back so many years, and that I know that, no matter how much time one of us goes away, there will always be sometime in the future where we will meet again, for a nice conversation, and a nice espresso on a lazy Sunday or Saturday morning where two old friends spend a few hours talking with each other. In fact I can almost see us, in our sixties, old and worn by time, sharing this time stories about our children, or grandchildren, only if for just a couple of minutes, while the world fades away in the background.

The afternoon brought a surprise, the sun shined and the warm late winter afternoon in Portugal welcomed a walk down the beach, the waves calmly washing ashore, people enjoying sun baths, the smell of a summer yet to come, all of this while enjoying a few moments with an old friend, sharing experiences and opinions on what happened lately.
I hadn’t realized how much I used to enjoy this little moments and how much I missed them until now. A walk, a beer, a conversation that goes on for hours, the subjects ever changing to suit the moment. The stories may be new, but the point remains the same, relaxing the mind and the body, sharing the joys and emotions of what life brings us, each sentence allowing the other a better glimpse into the mind of the friend next to him.

Then Sunday lazy Sunday, while the weather changed so did my mood, my mind stumbled upon the countless ones I had so far, sitting at home, enjoying a movie, and outside the weather reminding us that It was still winter. I listened to the wind blowing on my windows, the crackling noise invading the house, helping to further my comfort for being inside, warm in my robe enjoying a nice cup of coffee.
It was a wonderful weekend, sometimes I wish that things would have never changed but then I remember why they did, I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, and get myself excited waiting for this new chapter in my life to unfold.

Urge

In the back of my mind something said, write, open up that program and rape the keyboard with the thoughts that invade your mind.
Ok, let’s turn the music on and start.

It’s been three weeks since I got here, back home, back to those familiar places, fighting so hard to not drown in old habits.
Every time I walk a street or go for a car ride I see ghosts of a life that is no longer mine. Nostalgia invades me, sinks in and leaves me feeling depressed and down, but I have to stay positive, keep telling myself that it’s just a temporary thing.
To be honest I miss the excitement of living in a different place, some place where I don’t belong, I’m just visiting.
I ask myself if this feeling of satisfaction for being in a different place will ever end, if I will reach a point when I will feel the need to settle down, to find a new place to call home, or if I am condemn to end up in the place that I want so bad to leave.

Since I got here, thoughts of a past life come rushing forward every day, the what ifs and the scenarios that I missed when I left. Daydreaming of decisions that I made that if different would lead me to a different life.
I find myself flowing into a spiral of nostalgic poison.

It’s funny how we work, when we don’t have the time we have the ideas, when we do have the time the ideas are nowhere to be found. There was always so much that I wanted to do but always felt like I didn’t had enough time to do it all, and now here I stand, with all the time that I need and I can’t seem to find the motivation to do what I always wanted to do.

One thing is for sure, this is a lesson, a life lesson that I hope to learn correctly.

In my mind now, thoughts of a place a called home for a short time, the good and the bad and in a little corner of my mind dreams of the one that follows.

A year ago...

Here I am, a year has passed, a year ago I was waiting in anticipation of the challenges that would come my way. Preparing to leap into the unknown, letting go of all that I had built hoping for a new beginning.

In my quest I had forgotten what a new beginning is like, I had forgotten that in every beginning there is a learning curve, a trial period, a time to let go of it all so you can embrace what's to come.

I did it, I finally released myself from the shackles that imprisoned me to my past, it took me almost a year but I did it, I have cut all the unnecessary ties and chains and I'm finally ready to move on.

I challenged you to follow me, and no one did, because its not the way, its not your way, when you're on this trip something changes, you cant take what was in the past, you have to create what is in the future.

I'm glad I did this, I'm glad that I finally had the chance to set my life straight the way I wanted it to be, I am so glad of the people I met along the way, people that opened my eyes to a new reality, people that taught me that home is wherever you want it to be.

What I take with me from this experience is the knowledge you all gave me, either you are chasing your dream with all you got, seeing the dream finally come to life, trapped in a life that you don't want, trying to create a life together or just simply leaving the fairy tail you thought you didn't deserve. All of you taught me something, and I'm glad I met you, and for me, the only thing I will take from Scotland, is your friendship hoping that it wont fade away with time.

Seems like I'm exactly where I was a year ago, waiting for a new beginning,  but I'm not, I'm wiser, stronger and happier and for that, I have all of you to thank, this time its not a new beginning, it's the next step of my new journey.

Thank you my Glaswegian friends.

The door.

The door is there...

Waiting for me to cross it, I have spent my whole life looking for it and now I found it, but I hesitate.
I linger in that hall looking at it, afraid of grabbing the handle and losing what is behind me.

There is a ray of light invading from underneath the door, it shows promise of what should be on the other side. For years I have longed for this, so many times I looked, I searched, I threw all that I had away for this door...

And now its here, taunting me, waiting... just waiting for my hand.

My goal is here, but after it what will be left?

I know the answer, me... and that is why I am afraid, after I cross that door I'm all that's left of the quest, and I don't know what that is, I don't know who I am, or if I can live with only that.

But I need to cross it, although I'm still scared of it, I will cross it instead of regretting.

And if there is no coming back from it so be it.

I will embrace what follows, go where ever it will take me and make the best of it.

Why you?

What to do when there's someone on your mind that you cant push away?
What to do when you crave the impossible, hope for what cant be, long for what I cant have?
What does it mean to find you now, to find you in the middle of the crossroad?

Some of the questions that haunt me right now, questions that I already know the answer to, questions that I wish I had never made.

Meeting you was the unexpected, getting to know you was more than I was prepared for.

Why now? Why here? Why you?

I see past your mask, past your wall, past all the sadness, I reach out when I know I shouldn't, I give you my hand when I know that it wont always be there.

I find myself dreaming about a future that cant exist, about the laughs and joy we could share but wont. I wonder about my decisions, my mistakes, my goals, I wonder where your life will take you, how happy you will be? I wonder what you will accomplish, wonder what will make you smile, what comforts you during the hard times, what holds you close when you feel alone, what gives you strength when you feel weak.

I wonder... that is all I can do, wonder...

You might find this strange, but I am happy to have had the chance, the chance to know you, and to fall for what is underneath. Although I try to let it go, it grabs me, it keeps a hold on my mind and refuses to leave.
You don't know but you can feel it, you don't accept it but you linger...

But I try, that is the whole meaning behind it, there is nothing else that I can do but try... that is the whole reason.