Shine no matter how far you are.

I lay awake to watch the stars, casually wondering what they are.
The night feels lonely, it's silent, cold and dark. But the stars are there, shinning, very far away but still shinning.
I'm excited for what's to come, a new beginning, a new stage, seems like my life is full of those. I stopped counting, but with each move I become a little bit bolder.
I wanted to travel and see the world, constantly changing, meeting new people, making new friends. Perhaps I'm running, for responsibility, from the prison cell that hold me back home. Perhaps that was what made me leave, but somehow the purpose has changed along the way.

It's lonely... Always moving, always running, no matter how many people I meet I always end up leaving them, going on a new adventure leaving the past behind, not completely but in some sense it's never the same again.

The first time I moved I didn't do it alone, I had someone with me to share the burden and the sadness. We helped each other to surpass the difficulties of our choice. But in time, we changed, our goals were to different, we set apart and I did what I though was right, I moved away again...

That time I did it alone, but everything was taken care off, a nice job, a room in a house full of people that could help me with any trouble I might have. And for a time it was nice, but as much as someone can feel at home in a place like this, I knew from the beginning I didn't wanted to stay, I wanted more...

So I left, found a new job and I'm preparing for the change. This time I will be truly alone, in a place I know little about. But that doesn't scare me, as much as I fear loneliness I also love the challenge, the opportunity to get to call home a completely new place.

Ill meet new people, make new friends but Ill never forget the old ones, they are like my anchor, my rock. Because I know they're there I can leave, travel, see the world and come back to visit them anytime I feel lonely or sad.

The sky is filled with stars, each one of them unique, just like my friends, and no matter how far apart we are I know they will continue to shine even on the nights I can't see them.

So here alone I stare the sky, looking, wondering, feeling lonely but happy, knowing that no matter how far I am there is always a light shining.

To hell and back.

Sometimes life has a funny way to express itself. One day she will give us a heart-warming punch in the face and on the next day a gentle caress that shreds us to pieces..
This year my life took a turn for the worst, unemployed with the promise of a chance across the ocean, completely broke and falling into even more debt. Well a year has almost gone by and knowing what I know now I had no reason to worry. I ended up in a place were civilization barely exists, with a big pay-check but frozen in time, watching the lives of my friends unfold on my computer screen. Well at least I was making money now.

Yes i had money now, but I was still despaired, I couldn't take this place like this for to long. It's funny how, on the day when I finally was obliged to sever ties to a past that gets ever so further from the present, my future unfolded right in front of my eyes.

Like a ray of bright light my path open up finally, and it matters not what choice I take from this moment, my life will get better either way.

Of course I wasn't just waiting for this to happen, I was trying with all I had, constantly searching, constantly fighting for a solution, well turns out all of my hard work paid off finally, and I'm one step closer to finally reach the goal i set myself up to two years ago.

Another stepping stone has gone by and I'm looking forward for the new challenges and people Ill meet during my adventure.

So, if I'm allowed a piece of advice, grab the controls of this game, and try to do what makes you happy, you may not get there soon, but if you truly keep trying you will reach your destination instead of fading away on a couch in front of the T.V screen.

A past life...

There are some things I need to learn to let go.

The past is a strange entity, that haunts me when I feel safe. when it seems like everything is behind me something comes and brings it back again.
A dream, a talk, a thought...

I clench my fist when i wake up after reliving the past, it hurts remembering things that were lost knowing very well they will never come back. Even if they did it would never be the same, it would simply be a shell of it's former self.

But somethings keep you going, when new things appear they tend to help get rid of those memories that insist in holding on.

Sometimes all it takes is an opportunity to make you think of the future instead of dwelling constantly in the past.

I know I am probably not making any sens with this post, it's just that sometimes I need to let this things out, to empty my soul in order to be able to look to the future.

Waking from a trip to memory lane can leave you feeling lonely, and filled with sadness, but remember, there are always new days ahead, and with each new day comes new opportunities. New laughs, new hopes, new adventures.

Who knows what we will go through next, as long as I'm alive I can keep hoping.

Hoping that something new, exciting, is right around the corner. Just there for me to embrace and find happiness again.

It's never to late to dream, just pick up the pieces and star again, you never know what you're going to find next.

Fotos

Um almoço Angolano.

Desenganem-se aqueles que clamam que o mundo não é pequeno.

Nos recônditos de Angola, numa pequena cidade a norte de nome Cabinda fui encontrar alguém que fez formação no mesmo sítio onde trabalhei e foi aluno de colegas meus de trabalho. Quando Membar Mayala passou por Portugal em 2005 não lhe passava pela cabeça que em 2014 iria trabalhar com alguém que lhe traria ao de cima memórias tão boas dessa altura.

Ainda bem que assim foi porque este ínfimo pormenor quebrou o gelo entre nós e depressa nos tornamos amigos. Este sábado tive o prazer de ser recebido em sua casa, por ele e pela família fantástica que me disse vezes sem conta, "Pai esta casa é tua, está a vontade."

Convidou-me para almoçar, combinamos encontrarmo-nos a 1h30 e 40 minutos depois da hora marcada, como manda o bom costume Angolano, lá apareceu para me vir buscar.

Membar mora no bairro 1º de Maio zona A, numa vivenda enfiada por entre ruelas de terra batida e lixo, e acompanhada pela rotina de quem é seu vizinho. Mas ele pode se considerar um privilegiado, inteligente e com gosto pelo estudo, insistiu em estudar apesar de a agora mulher dele ter engravidado com apenas 14 anos. A família dela ficou muito brava comigo, contou-me enquanto aguardávamos o almoço, mas eu assumi e insisti em continuar a estudar. Foi esses estudos que hoje lhe permitem ter um ordenado mais de 6 vezes superior ao da média e poder relaxar no espaço isolado de toda a pobreza que lhe rodeia a casa.

O almoço foi Moamba, prato que nunca tinha tido o prazer de degustar, acompanhado de banana fervida. Devo dizer que a galinha apesar de rija era saborosa, preparada pela esposa que permaneceu a maior parte do tempo na cozinha enquanto a filha nos servia a refeição. Nunca me vou conseguir habituar ao costume de os homens comerem a parte, o almoço foi servido só para mim e para ele e o resto da família almoçou na cozinha. E de nada valeu a minha insistência para que nos sentássemos todos a mesa, como costumam dizer, quando em Roma sê romano.

A filha de Membar tem 24 anos, estuda petroquímica coisa que por estas bandas lhe vai garantir um futuro mais desafogado, se bem que será difícil alguma vez chegar ao ordenado que o pai aufere hoje em dia., ou talvez eu me engane e espero mesmo que esteja longe da verdade neste assunto.

Depois do almoço fizemos uma sessão de fotografias, algumas já com destino a este meu canto digital e outras com destino a Portugal, para fazer recordar os que ainda restam na empresa de Membar Mayala, o homem que dentro das suas possibilidades têm vindo a manter os hospitais aqui desta terra em funcionamento, usando o engenho e as técnicas que aprendeu durante uns meses em Portugal.

Turning to stone.

How many times must a heart break before it gets turned to stone?

I feel like my heart is too soft for this reality I’m living now, and day by day it breaks a little. And it gets a little bit harder than before. And crack by crack, as it heals, it slowly starts to turn to stone, until it no longer breaks. And then, you become cold, and unaffected by what goes on around you. You become numb, tears no longer flow and close yourself in a shell, trying to by invincible to the despair the walks slowly down the street.

Africa is little by little turning me into something different, and I have to leave before it makes me to hard. 

The lack of compassion, the lack of morality, the lack of respect for the human condition, all those things are present in everyday life. Like the little girl that comes almost every day to the house where I work to make a red water that is later frozen and sold as ice-cream. She can't be more than 10. From the countless stories of man who take advantage of women simply because they need food, clothes or money to feed their kids. The poor healthcare for the people who can’t afford the “good” one. Every day I walk down the pediatric aisle the screams dig a little bit deeper in my head.

And the sharks, those business man, that swim around in these waters and devour whatever prey crosses their path, with no regard to the people that are a part of this land.

But there are good things here as well. Like everywhere, there are always small glances of hope around. In the eyes of those who believe that things can change, that try to make that change, limited only by the lack of tools.

On these days I feel powerless, wanting to help without knowing how to. I try, although weakly, to soften the blows to my heart, giving just a little. A different view, a different approach, a better chance. It maybe be little but it’s a start.

Ao lembrar-me de ti.

Adoro deitar-me na cama, fechar os olhos e imaginar-te. Sinto-me sereno, em paz, como se todos os meus problemas fossem levados pelo vento.

Vejo os teus cabelos castanhos, lisos, encostados nos ombros a adornar-te a face. Fico horas a imaginar que me perco no teu olhar, mergulhando dentro da tua alma, devagar, entrando ao de leve e deixando-me inundar por ti. Vejo a tez pálida da tua face, sinto a minha mão a percorrer-te o rosto, o teu perfume hipnotizando-me enquanto eu me deixo levar pelo meu imaginário.

As vezes regresso a noite em que parti, estou outra vez no frio, estou outra vez nos teus braços, sinto o teu corpo a tocar no meu e o meu coração a apertar por saber que é o ultimo momento, a ultima chance de te ter junto a mim. Aperto-te mais uma vez, beijo-te pela última vez, deixo a lagrima cair enquanto te vejo a caminhar para longe de mim.

Vou sonhando com os teus lábios vermelhos, num beijo doce que me dá um aperto no peito. Deixo-me invadir pelo pensamento, deixo-me invadir pela saudade de ti.

Volto vezes sem conta aos momentos que passamos, as horas que passaram por nós sem darmos conta, as gargalhadas que soltamos juntos, aos segredos que partilhamos. Volto a ver-te naquela paragem de autocarro, estou outra vez a tua espera, ansioso pelo momento em que apareces naquela esquina.

Agora estou longe, mas dou comigo a imaginar, que te tenho aqui, só para mim, num capricho de criança. Adormeço a noite enquanto vagueias no meu inconsciente, sem consciência de que o fazes.

Dou por mim a pensar nos ses, e nos talvez. Dou por mim a amaldiçoar as certezas e as consequências da realidade. Dou por mim a gritar só por mais uns minutos, mais umas horas. Dou por mim a pedir aos céus mais um momento só nosso. Um momento que fica preso no tempo, aonde só tu importas, aonde só me vês a mim, mesmo que seja breve, mesmo que seja só mais um.

Recordo com prazer a tua maneira de falar, o teu jeito de mexer, o teu olhar confiante a superfície mas indeciso lá por trás. Recordo os teus sonhos, as tuas vitórias e derrotas, recordo-me das alegrias e das tristezas, lembro-me de como és.

Se estou apaixonado não o sei, sei apenas que o teu sorriso me aquece, que o teu corpo me acalma, que tu me completas. Deixo-me levar a loucura de não te ter, a loucura de ter deixado parte de mim contigo, a loucura de querer voltar e não poder.